And there I was left standing - still not thinking I'm thin enough...

Why can't I see the truth in this picture? Why can't I see the reality of it all? Why do I have an eating disorder? Why does it seem like I'll never be happy?...

So many questions, yet none of them can be answered. So much confusion, it overwhelms me. So much hunger, it pains me. So much pain, it brings me to tears. Even now I can't write this with a face dry of tears.

There's so much I want to know, and I feel like there's so little time - like my life is running away from me, and I'm left desperate to catch up. I feel like every day I'm here, is just another day I didn't die of heart failure from the over-exercising, and lack of calories. I feel like every day I'm still here, is just luck, and that someday soon my time will come. I feel like there's a clock that lights up each time I light my candle in the night - the clock of my life-span flashes as a shadow reminding me every night, with each light of my candle. And I feel like every night that clock appears, is just another reminder of how little time I have left. And how I have to decide what I want to make of my life.

This is where there is confusion, and pain. So much pain. I could use this short time and starve myself again - it wouldn't be so hard, right? It would be simple, going back to old habits, and dropping more weight than I already have. Becoming tragically beautiful, again. A model. Powerful, accomplished, in control.

Yet at the same time, not in control. Because as I've learned before, I do not control my life, when I control my eating...Anna controls my life. And by God have I seen enough of her lately. She has been everywhere, and I'm just letting her hurt me. I'm letting her win again. I'm being her best friend. And I swore I'd never go back there, again. Yet here I am, again, Anna's temporary BFF(until she kills me off). How could I make the same mistake? How could I let her back in, and let her control me like this again? How could I ever like it, again? It makes absolutely no sense. This insane idea of mine that I've always despised. DESPISED. Is now my current dream. My current goal. Starvation, over-exercising, and low BMI...that's where my "dream" is taking me. Sure I could be a potential Vogue cover girl...but would my life be worth that? Would the man I love, be worth that? Would my friends and family, be worth that? Jamie says no - hell no. Anna says fuck it all. Anna says think of how accomplished and perfect you'll feel once you're there - once you've gotten there, nothing else will matter.

But the problem is, it will. I don't want to lose relationships, and basically, life again. But that stupid fantasy is in the way. Anna is in the way. She's already causing me damage in relationships and life.

The other side of all the Anna thoughts though, is me. The real me. Jamie. Not Anna. I don't want to starve again, and I don't want to lose more weight, and become tragically beautiful. I want to be a fit, sex kitten, and have women hate me wherever I go, because of it. I want to eat what I want, when I want, and not worry. I want to sit when I want, do what I want and not stress over calories burned, exercise, and everything else insane about this stupid eating disorder. I want to ultimately be healthy, and happy. And have my man, and my family, and my friends...I don't want to be alone. I don't want to just have bones, and Anna. They can't comfort me forever. It just doesn't work like that, as I've learned from previous experiences. I want to be thin, and healthy, and fit, and not worry at all about food and calories, and exercise. I just want to be normal again. Please?...


So she tells her story of woe, and hopes for a better ending than the one she sees in her future, now.


God, please help me. Please, please, please...

Waiting to bleed it out...

I keep waiting for it to be over. I keep waiting for the urge to somehow wash away with my crimson blood. I wait for the pain inside to go away, but it just intensifies as I rip through my flesh.

I watch my blood run down the sides of my arms. I feel the cold, wet drops wash over every inch of my skin; like the tears that cover my worthless face.

I try to stop, but end up thrashing harder, faster - with more intention. All the while I tell myself over and over again to keep going.

Because I deserve this traumatizing pain. I deserve to suffer.

Taking emotions and experiences and using my creativity never felt so good...

"The pain I had been longing for, for so long, has finally come to me.
My heart is racing, my stomach sinks, I feel as if I might cry, but there is just too much anger in my way. I am furious. I am hurting. And I like it.
I've been given the pain I recieve after I slit my silky skin - the numbness of it all while in the act, then the sting afterwards. That's what I feel right this moment. The sting. And I can't help but wish for the numbness again and again. To not experience pain in an emotional way, but a physical way. To watch my blood run free from my veins to see the way my skin parts as I drag the weapon across, leaving nothing but blood and soon to be scars. I crave this feeling. I need this feeling. And it hurts - it hurts worse than any cut could ever. I feel so trapped in my own life, I feel as if I am a prisoner in this home, in this country - I'm so ready to break the hinges of this door keeping me from my independence, my freedom, and my life. My destiny, and my future.

But all I feel right now is the sting - and for once in so long, I am comfortable. I am stinging, and angry, and I am comfortable. God I'm sane...
Ha. Just kidding. Oh and for your information, I was being sarcastic. If anything you're getting inside the mind of someone gone mental. Because I'm SO special like that. Fuck me. No, fuck YOU. And I wonder why everyone deems me a quote; "angry person"...you know, that really pisses me off.

...No seriously. It does. So shut up and sod off."

Split my skin, and watch me bleed my emotions out...

The feeling; words can't describe. Adrenaline pulsing through my vains, the feel and sight of my soft flesh, quickly being torn apart - knowing I could be caught at any moment...

It's so sick; so wrong to any human being that would never think twice about injuring them-self on purpose. But so right to the ones that understand - the ones that crave that feeling...

This is how I feel. Every time I cut. Every time I think of cutting, think of tearing apart my silky flesh, watch my blood bubble out like an erupted volcano. Nothing can truly describe the feeling, the craving...the way my arm stings afterwards, but feels so numb while in the act. The guilt and pain I feel beforehand - knowing that it hurts the man I love every time I slit my skin. It kills me. Every mark I make on myself comes with a life supply of guilt and shame. Not because I'm ashamed of my scars and cuts, because I actually see them as a part of me, and they're part of who I am - they remind me of what I've been through, and what I'm going through. It actually keeps me grounded. But anyway, as I was saying, I am ashamed of the fact I still do it - even though I know it hurts people I love.

But do I stop? No. Should I? Hell yes. Why don't I, you ask? I have no bloody idea. Honestly. I love him more than words could ever describe, yet I still do it to myself. To him. I still proceed to injure myself time and time again when I'm extremely upset. But I am trying, I am really trying. I'm am fighting my anorexia, and I am winning - I love my body now, and I'm working hard on my food intake, and not worrying about gaining weight, because I have to gain some right now. I am winning.

Now I just have to beat this vampire that likes to tease himself by talking me into slitting my skin open, so he can watch my blood pour...

I'm beating Anna, now I have to beat Dimitri. Ugh. Bloody battles. When will they end?

It might as well have been "1978"...

Sometimes I wonder why I was born in the wrong decade. I feel like a fucking 30 year old stuck in a 15 year old's body. Maybe god(assuming there is one) mixed up my brain with some 30 year old's. Don't get me wrong, I love my mind...most days. It's just difficult when you basically feel like the only adult in the household sometimes.

That is all I have to say right now...

It's almost time again, to head back home on the road to recovery, the highway of healing

I was going through all the photos of when I was starving today. And I can honestly say I miss it. I miss all of it. The hunger, feeling my bones, seeing my bones, feeling like a beautiful super model for the first time in my life. All of that is now taken away from me. All of it.

I think every day how I'm going to slowly work my way back to where I was. How each and every day I'll get closer and closer to my goal weight. It's so far away, but it isn't impossible. I've almost been there - I was only 7 pounds away when I stopped starving. I had almost made it.

Yes, those two perfect little numbers stick out in my head each and every day, and every time I think about reaching those numbers, I remember that wonderful man I was talking about a couple days ago. I think about his opinion on how I look NOW, compared to when I was starving. And you know what? Being thin really isn't worth losing such a wonderful relationship. It just isn't. Because that's what would happen if I starved again - I'd drift away just like I did before. I did it with everyone, not just him. And I don't want to lose him or anyone else.

So point is, I think about starving all the time. And when I skip meals, it makes it particularly difficult, because then I get a taste of the feeling again - I start to remember why I had that feeling all the time. I start to remember what I looked like because I let myself get that hungry, and I want it. I want it so bad. But not as much as I want my wonderful, sexy English Llama, I'll tell you that. Looking like a skeleton is just not worth what I'd lose to get there.

So here I am - still trying my best to fight Anna, and come out strong and recovered. And in just a few days, I will be fighting with all I've got. I'll be back in the real world, with the centre, and my support group. I'll be back in recovery world. And I need that. A vacation is strangely not what I needed - although I've enjoyed it, I think it was too soon to leave the centre and venture out on my own. I wasn't ready. But alas, my journey is almost over, and I will be back on the road to recovery again in no time. Which means I'll be one step closer to fucking Anna's shit up. The stupid bitch won't even know what hit her.

I run for the win

You know what feels good? Running. Running until your lungs are on fire, and you feel as if you'll collapse. Running from everything in the world, and only leaving dust behind. Not another car, nor human being in sight - just me, and the open road.

All I hear and focus on is the sound of my heavy breathing and my bare feet tapping the asphalt. The wind rushing through my thick curls, my heart pounding through my chest.

Yup. There is no other feeling in the world like running. Maybe this is just my opinion - maybe I love it so much because I have the blood of a runner - my dad. Maybe it's because I have that same speed and connection with running, as my dad did. And I feel incredibly lucky to have gotten the gift from him. Because it is a gift.

When I'm running, nothing in the world can touch me - I am invisible, and I am strong. I'm out running Anna. I'm leaving her tranny ass in the dust, and I am winning the race. I feel beautiful and graceful only then - because only then do I know I am both those things. Or at least that's how I see it. I'm fast, I'm powerful, and I know that I can easily out run anyone I know. I feel confident in myself, and that, my friends, is not a feeling I get too often.

So needless to say, running is my thing , and if I can feel all those wonderful things when I run, then I sure as fuck can carry that into the hours and minutes I'm not running. I just have to keep it up - keep mentally and physically running to beat Anna, and win. Because I'm a hardass bitch, and I won't give in to some jiggly-ass tranny look-a-like.

What's passed is passed, and now with weary eyes and tired feet, I walk the path to my future

You know, a lot of the time I wonder if life is worth living. If one more day, will be one more day not even worth my time and energy.

Anna gets me so knackered each and every day, that by the time the day is ending, I wonder if it was even worth living through. I wonder if I should have committed suicide already - if tomorrow will be the day I do the deed. Now of course, I will not commit suicide, because it is probably the most selfish thing you can do in life. Or at least I think so. But I wonder if I was just put on this earth solely to show the world I'm here, then die after I've had a few passing glances.

You know what keeps me going everyday though? What makes each day a little easier, yet also a bit of a challenge to keep as a main thought? The one I am deeply in love with. Every negative thought that passes through my mind - every time I contemplate suicide, his words come into my head. The words: "You are brilliant, and you will fight this. I know you can do it.". That's all I need. All I need to let me remember why I am here, why I was put here, and who was put here for me to find. Also for me to remember that if I was strong enough to starve for as long as I did, then I am sure as hell strong enough to kick Anna's arse.

I don't know though. I mean, I obviously think of my family and friends too when I contemplate suicide, and hurting myself, which in turn will hurt them. But with him, he's all I need, to know that I am supposed to be here, and that once I beat Anna, there will be nothing holding me back from living the glorious future with him I know I can, and will have.

I just have to hold on to the future, and never look back at the past. Because what's done is done, what's passed is passed, and now I have the brightest, happiest future to look forward too.

So I guess all I have to say now, is...thank you for being there for me always, my English Llama. I love you more than anything I could put into words. <3

My mind is like the ocean; it will rise and crash on the shore every second of everyday - up and back down again, over and over

You know, sometimes I think I could have a bit of bipolar disorder...

I only say this because my moods are so extremely up and down all the time. It's gotten to the point where I feel like a lot of people will start to not like me because of it. I mean, I'll be extremely happy one moment, then the next I'm either incredibly depressed and suicidal, or pissed off at someone - for what feels like no rhyme or reason. I really do wonder all the time if it annoys others. I'm sure it does sometimes at least, if not all the time.

This is just another issue though - another thing for me to feel guilt over. Because it's quite easy to put on an act and say I'm okay all the time, when anyone but my mum and Summer are around. With them I try, but I just can't hide it. I don't really want to hide it - not from my mum at least. I want her to know when I'm upset, and don't feel I can tell her that verbally. So I guess I just show her.

I want to talk to her about what I'm struggling with, and I really want to feel better about myself after our chats. But I don't. Because no matter how many times I ask her: "Do you think I look fat? Have I been moving around enough today? Did I eat too much..?", I will always get the same answers, and I will always feel the same even after my questions have been answered. Because until I can see what my mum, and everyone else does, then whatever my mum tells me about my body and calories, and exercise and such, it won't matter. Because I have to believe it, to feel better about myself, and things in general. I just still feel so guilty though. So so guilty all the time. I wonder every day if I get on her nerves all the time with the same exact questions I ask. I mean, she's told me that I don't, and she's just frustrated at Anna, but still...I can't help but think that.

And then I feel guilty for talking about my weight, calories, fat, exercise and such around Summer. I mean, she IS only 10, and I feel terrible for talking about things like this, so openly in front of her. Although at the same time, I'm glad I say what I say around her, because maybe after watching everything I have to go through with recovery, and how stressed and anxious I always am, she won't have an eating disorder, or ever long to be super thin like I did/still do. Which, I definitely don't think Summer will ever develop an eating disorder, and I also don't think she'll have any body issues, really. I mean, she will to some extent, because every woman does, but I don't think her's would be anywhere near as severe as mine. I mean, I've struggled with body image and weight and such ever since I was 9 years old, so.

But anyway, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in a constant lose lose situation.

Heavily resting on my heart; guilt

Nothing can describe the overwhelming guilt I always feel, the weight on my heart, the lump of sorrow in my throat I swallow back every day, the pain I try so hard to hide and ignore.

The guilt is by far the worst. My mum and Summer are having to be in the car, and wait for hours three times a week - because of me. My mum has to put off her life, and have virtually no fun, because of me. She's thrown with accusations of cancelling every potential fun plan because of me. My mum' life is not fun right now, and that is all due to me.

God, you know I think everyday if it's the day. The day to kill myself, and end all of the things my mum is being forced to do right now, because of me. But ironically, even killing myself would bombard her with a different kind of things she is forced to do. But that is only for a short while, where as my recovering from anorexia could take years. If I end it now though, my mum will soon be able to get on with her life - as will everybody else.

I hear my mum say life is all about me now, and there is an indescribable amount of guilt that rushes through my heart, my brain, every part of me feels the guilt. I don't want my mother's life to be all about me, and I don't want Summer's life to be about me either.

But what do I do? What do I do to make it not about me? I could cut myself, and break the contract at ACE, then I'd be forced out, and my mum's life would no longer revolve around me. Sure I'd have to live my life in a constant battle against Anna, but I could do it. I could manage, and I would survive. I could put on a happy face, like I always do, and say everything is okay. Because it would be, as long as I had it all under control. I think I could do that. I'm seriously contemplating leaving treatment. Because I can honestly say that the guilt comes extremely close to being worse than the disease.

I hate myself. Everything about me. I hate the fact I'm putting my family through this, I hate the fact I have this disease, I just generally loath myself and everything about me. I'm so ugly - inside and out. I'm a nasty person that doesn't deserve to be here. I don't deserve this treatment. I don't deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be ill, and suffering. Dying a slow death, is what I deserve. And I had that, when I was starving. Every second of every day I contemplate going back to starvation, so I will live in pain. That's the life I deserve.

My family doesn't deserve what they're being put through. But I deserve what I think I should be put through. And it isn't what I'm being put through right now - because I am recovering. I deserve to be suffering, that's just how it is. I think that's what I was put on this earth for - to live a few years of my life in happiness, then die a slow and deserving death.

I was born a worthless person, and always will be. So why not own up to it, and end it all now? That is the question I'm still working on answering. It will come to me. I just have to have a bit of patience. When the day comes to end my worthless existence, I will know. I always do.

This black hole will never give up...and neither will I

Life is hard. So, so hard. Life is also wonderful sometimes, but at the moment, it is mostly...hard and sucky.

I thought my life would get just a tad bit easier after I had my first visit with my nutritionist. Well, it didn't. Guess what happened? It just got HARDER. What the fuck? I was so sure that once I knew how many calories I could consume daily, and how much to exercise, I'd relax a hell of a lot more. But no, I'm in fact, more stressed out. And I have the ugly, ever growing rash on my neck to show it.

I should have 2300-2500 calories daily, minimum. That's the minimum, now. You'd really think that would relax me...but it doesn't. If I think I've even come close to either of those numbers of calories in a day, I start to freak out.

With the exercising, I'm only allowed to exercise 30 minutes a day, three times a week now. Because of my heart, and body problems. Really, what I should be doing for most of my days, is resting. My body so desperately needs it, but I can't give it that. Why? Because I never stop worrying, and wondering, and being terrified.

I eat, then I sit down for a bit, just to give myself a quick rest. If it's longer than 30 minutes though, I freak out. And oh god, if it's longer than an hour I'm lazy. What will people think of me if they see me resting? They'll see me as lazy. Except according to everyone I know, they see me as anything but lazy...so why can't I believe that?

Before meals I get stomach aches, and my stomach tenses up. I even start to feel nauseated. I get so stressed and worried about food, and calories, and I don't even feel like I deserve food anymore. Since I've only exercised 30 minutes three times this week, then I don't deserve the food I get. That's how I feel. I feel like running to the bathroom to purge every time I eat, because I feel like I didn't deserve the good food I just put in my body. Or, I feel like never letting myself get satisfied, because if I haven't worked like a manic with exercising, why do I deserve to have my hunger completely satisfied? I don't. This is what goes through my head all day everyday now. Instead of thinking about how intensely I have to work, I'm now filled with thoughts of purging, wanting to starve, worrying about what people will think of me, thinking I'm lazy, thinking I don't deserve food, wishing I could exercise more, but also wishing I could just be okay with finally giving my body the serious rest it needs...it's constant. All of it.

I stare at myself in the mirror way more times than I can count. I'll stand there for long periods of times just poking and prodding at myself. Sucking in my stomach, squeezing the fat I think is there, pushing the skin on my face back to make it look thinner. I miss it. Every. Day. I miss my old starvation body, and think: "I could slowly get back to that. If I slowly work it, my mum and everyone else would never know...", even though I know that would never work. I try so desperately every day, to just try and work my way back to where I was before.

There will be moments when I am happy. Moments when I think: "You know, this is hard as hell, but in the end, I know it will all be worth it. Because I have a wonderful life waiting for me.". But the problem is, there are not anywhere near enough moments like that.

The moments that there are too much of though...thoughts of suicide. Planning how I'd take my life. I've thought of overdosing on pills, running in front of fast moving cars, stabbing myself repeatedly, so I die the slow and extremely painful death I deserve. These are the moments I have all too often.

I think I about suicide, purging, how fat and ugly I look, starving, wishing I looked like I was starving again, calories, exercising, food, and how I don't deserve that food, restricting, how lazy I am now...every day. All these obsessions are driving me insane.

These fragile bones aren't ment for over working...when will my heart stop beating?...

You know what I'm tired of? Dreading the days to come. Each night I go to bed dreading the next day. And I wake up thinking to myself: "Another intense day...".

The thoughts, they never stop. I'm still constantly worried about calories, and always counting calories. For breakfast, I never left myself go above 80 calories. And if there is no food in the house 80 calories or below, then I simply won't eat, OR I'll eat a couple strawberries. I'm always stressed out. I never relax, and simply don't know how. I'm struggling just sitting here trying to write this post. I always feel like I should be up doing something.

Okay, actually, let me just describe each and every day of my life, lately. So maybe you all can get a better idea of what I'm really talking about.

I wake up in the morning, and the thought following "Another intense day...", is always: "As soon as my feet hit the ground, it begins. The intensity, the pain. My day starts.". I go to bed every night around midnight-1am, and wake up at 7am or earlier every morning. It takes all my power just trying to stay in bed longer, because I know that once I'm out of bed, everything becomes intense. But the problem is, I can't stay in bed longer. I feel compelled to get up and start my day. So I do.

First I have breakfast - my 80 calorie, or less breakfast. Or no breakfast at all. Then I take pain pills. Every. Morning. Because if I don't, I won't have the strength for my intense days. For all the exercise and moving I do. I simply wouldn't be able to function, because my body hurts so incredibly much every day. The pills don't take away the pain, they just numb it for a bit. But anyway, after breakfast and pills, I sit down for 30 minutes to an hour, just so my food can settle. If I sit down any longer than an hour, I freak out. Really, if I sit an hour, I freak out. This is how it is all day though, I count my hours resting, and my hours up doing things. And usually, my hours up doing things always out numbers the hours of rest. Which is how I want it.

Okay, my food is now settled, so I get up and get dressed and such. After all that, I rub pain numbing cream all over my body, basically. Then I do an intense cardio DVD for 30 minutes, and after that, I do intense dancing for about 25-30 more minutes. When all that's through, and I feel like collapsing, I don't rest. I walk around, clean, pace, until lunch time. I'm starving. Literally so hungry. An hour after breakfast every morning, my stomach is roaring so loud, you'd think it was a T-rex coming to devour a highly populated city.

Lunch time arrives. And do I relax and eat as many calories as I want? No. Not even close. The most calories I will allow myself to have, is 700. And even that number of calories terrifies me if I really think about it. Okay, so lunch time is now over, so I clean the kitchen. I wash dishes, load the dishwasher, sweep, mop - things like that, every day after lunch. When all that's over, I HAVE to rest. Just so my food can settle, and I can intensely exercise again. So I let myself draw, or write or something for about an hour...then the intensity begins again.

I head up to my bedroom, apply MORE pain reliever cream, then do the intense cardio DVD again for 30 minutes. After I'm done with that, I then to ab exercises for 8 minutes. And when that's through, I might dance again for a bit more. So by the time I'm done with all this, my body is screaming. My knees and every other joint are popping, like they do all the time, it takes a ridiculous amount of effort just to try and stay upright...and you know what? I STILL won't rest. Because I can't. If I do, I'm lazy. So I walk around, looking for SOMETHING to do. Anything. I pace, and run around just trying to burn off extra calories. I brainstorm, just searching my mind for something that I could do. If I come up short, then I sit down for a bit. But literally, only for a bit. Not longer than 30 mins, and most times, shorter than 30.

So I wander, and pace, and run around, and look for things to do for a few hours until it's dinner time. Once it's dinner time, I relax a bit more. I'm not feeling as tense as I do throughout the day. I'm easing up, just a wee bit...

I allow myself to reach the total of about 1,800 calories each day. So at dinner I can eat up to 1,100 calories. Which seems like a whole lot to eat in one sitting, but when you have a metabolism as fast as mine, and your body literally takes every calorie to just try and support the intensity of each day, then you wouldn't think it was that much. My body really needs somewhere between 2,500 and 2,900 calories each day. Which...holy fuck. I struggle sometimes trying to make it above 1,200. Because I think what happens is, I get afraid of eating too many calories, so then I don't feel as hungry, I just tense up, and my stomach hurts, and so I don't eat as much as I should. Which I'm trying to work on.

But yes...that is how my day is, every day. And after dinner I try and relax for a few hours. And sometimes I can, but most times I just can't. I have to do something for just a bit longer before I can rest. And when I get ready to get in bed at night, I never feel like I deserve it. I don't feel like I deserve to rest that long, because I STILL feel lazy. Even though most days I'm up and doing things WAY longer than I am resting.

But this is what Anna does to me. She fills my mind with thoughts of calories, burning calories, exercising, guilt if I rest for "too long", and other things. It's exhausting. Emotionally, and most definitely physically. My body is falling apart. I wonder every day if it will be the day my heart stops. That's how bad it is. That's how hard I am on myself, and my body. And the worst part is, is it's getting worse...

After every meal I contemplate purging. I pace, and think, and wonder if it really would be worth the nastiness. I wonder if it would really help me to lose weight. I could just eat normally, then throw up, exercise, and be okay. I'd likely lose weight in no time...right? That's what my mind says. That's what Anna says. And I'm struggling trying to not listen to it all. Because if I can't go back to starving, eating normally then purging seems like the next best thing to that.

I don't know, I'm just ready to not think like this. I'm ready to want to rest, and be okay with giving my body a break. I'm tired of worrying about calories, and fat content, and exercising like a maniac. I'm ready to be normal. If there is such a thing as that...

I just want to get rid of Anna now. For good.

If Anna could be photographed...(look at photos starting from the bottom, and going up. blogger is f-ed up, I know...)

...So this is it. Anna from beginning to now. This is how she has affected me, my appearance, my mind, and my life.

No creative title needed for this - life just sucks right now. Blah, blah, blah...

Life is hard. And you know, there's nothing worse than being severely depressed, and trying to get out of an eating disorder. Especially when I can't relieve myself with a thrash at my tender flesh. Ugh...

Oh well. I'm now on the road to recovery. It's going to be difficult. It IS difficult, but I have to keep pushing on, because if I don't...Anna will win. And as I think we all know, that my friends, will never happen. I'm going to bitch slap the little tranny look-a-like, and if that doesn't work? I'll just kick her in the balls. Oh wait, did I say balls? Oops, I forgot she wasn't a TRANNY. My bad.

For every negative, there's a positive somewhere. You just have to open your eyes, and want to see it

Last night, I had time to reflect on my life. On the good parts, and horrid parts, and you know...I discovered something. Something that I think will really help me through this hard time.

The title of this post, is what I discovered while reflecting. I thought to myself: "For every negative, there's a positive somewhere. You just have to open your eyes, and want to see it." And so that is what I did last night. I looked at all the negatives in my life, and found positives. Also, I thought about the saying "All things happen for a reason". I firmly believe that...still. Even though there is so much shitty stuff that has happened in my life, I believe it has all happened for a reason.

The first - my dad dying. I have no idea why his life was taken so suddenly, when he still had the rest of his life to live, and look forward to. But, I still believe it happened for a reason, as terrible as it is. And I also searched, and searched, and found some positives that came out of this horrid, horrid negative. One positive being the new-found freedom me, and my mum and Summer have. Used to, we'd have to rush through everything fun we'd do together in the daytime, because my mum would have to be home to cook dinner for him and such. Life was always rushed when my dad was around, and that really got me frustrated, because it felt like I never got to really spend time with my mum, and tell her stuff. We were all always so rushed...and so the positive out of his death, is that we have a pretty damn leisurely life now. And now, we can literally just spontaneously do stuff, and not have to worry, or rush.

Although I think you all know that as much as I love the non-rushed life-style, I miss my dad a lot. And I would give it all up in a heart beat, if that meant him being here.

But anyway, that's one situation I thought through, and found at least one positive.

Another - my anorexia. I often wonder why in hell I developed such a horrid thing. I get angry, and frustrated, and say: "Why me? Why? Seriously?"...but then I think, like I did last night. And this negative - this life affecting negative...well, it has a positive. And a bloody good one. You see, before all this started, I didn't care. I didn't care about exercising much, and I didn't really care about what I ate. Granted, I never gained any weight, or looked fat, I still wasn't healthy though. I never really exercised. I danced a bit, and ran a bit, but not enough. But you know what? Now, I exercise every single day. One and a half to two hours a day - whether I'm tired, in pain, hungry, feeling sick...I'll do it. Sometimes I over work it, but that's okay. I look at my uber fit body now, and that's all I need to see to know that over-working it sometimes, is not so bad. And without this disease, and the need to exercise and burn calories, I would have never become fit, and look better than I did before! So there's the positive. And it's an excellent one, because I'm generally very happy with the way I look...when Anna isn't being a bitch, or course.

So that's what I did last night though...I reflected, and found positives. And also found a good way to deal with the numbers on the scale. Everything I've gained since eating, has ALL been muscle - no fat. So I shouldn't be freaked out by the numbers on the scale anyway, right? If I know it isn't fat. Well, Anna doesn't agree. BUT. I have to remember my new coping device. I have to think of it as gaining muscle, rather than gaining weight. Because it is gaining muscle. Every time there is a higher number on the scale, it's because I've built more muscle. I just have to remember that, and I'll be okay.

But anyway, so yes, that is what I did. I reflected, found lots of positives, and have the beginnings of a new, healthier outlook on life. I'm on my way to getting better, and I won't stop until I've gotten completely well.

I won't give up, and I won't give in. So suck it, Anna. Go fuck yourself honey.

The path of darkness stops, and comes to a dead end. Should I turn back, or just end it now with a step off this beautiful cliff?...

Do you ever get those times where you wonder if your life is even worth living? Yeah, well I get those times everyday. And it's all because of goddamn Anna.

I've gotten to the point where I am so fed up, that I wonder if life is even worth it anymore. I can't tell her to "Fuck off" or "Go away", because it doesn't work. She doesn't fuck off, or go away. She gets angry, and sometimes it scares me, but then other times I just kind of try and make her think I'm going to do things her way, and she calms down.

People think I'm better - they think I'm healthy, and that I look good. But that's only what they see. I'm not in any way shape or form better, yet. I still constantly worry about gaining weight, and calories, and burning them all off. And I miss it sometimes...the feel of my prominent hip bones, and rib cage, and spine. How thin my arms and legs were. And I can't even believe the change in my body, with only one pound in weight gain. And it's muscle, not fat. But I look so different. And most times...I like it, but only my abs. I'm so proud of them. But the rest of my body, I hate. I think my face is fat and my arms are fat, and my legs...these thoughts go through my mind CONSTANTLY. All day. Everyday. Calories, burning calories, how fat I look, wishing I could go back to starving. It's not over, and I can't believe I was so stupid to think it might automatically disappear as soon as I started eating again.

Every night before bed I start planning my meals, and counting calories already. And there have even been a few nights where I've tried to tell myself that starving is okay, and I can go back to it, because I can pull it off, and I've proven to myself that I am not dependent on food. I've said these things out loud over and over again before bed. Not many times, just a few. Now, of course it didn't work, but I had to try it. Because I missed it. I miss it. Still.

And what scares me, is the fact that I don't even know if an E.D. doctor/therapist can help me. I'm obviously going to try the idea, but I just don't know. At this moment, I just don't know about life though. I try to ignore it all, and say I'm so happy. But deep down, when I think about it...I'm still not happy. Because I don't want to live my life this way. And currently, I don't want to live life in general.

The only sense of comfort I feel is when I lie down, and touch my ribs and hip bones. Because they feel like they did when I was starving. I don't want it to be like that. I don't want that to be my comfort. I'm ready to be better now.

Consuming me like an unstoppable black hole, you,...have become my life

I find myself saying this a lot, but I really am sorry for the lack of updates. It's just, when I have stuff to write about, it's usually never good, and I have so much to say...it's just annoying. But I promise, I'll try and update you guys more often. Really.

Anyway, today I thought I'd write about anorexia. My mum is convinced I don't have it. Even though she had thought I did before, she says she doesn't now. Well, I agreed. But have now found my mind changing to disagreement. Why? Because I decided to really find out, and research it this morning. I looked at symptoms, signs, all of that. And guess what? I've got every bit of them. There was even something on the list that was so shocking, but explained so fucking much. I mean, god.

Okay, first, the shocking thing I found on the list that explains so much. I circled it on the list below:


I had no way of understanding my wish to cook for people all the time - find nice recipes and make them. Feed people. Look through cooking magazines/visit cooking sites. This explains so much, and I think it's so weird how it's tied to anorexia. How, it seems like, everything I do now, is tied to anorexia. I have every symptom/sign on that list. Which has now forced me to believe I am anorexic. I didn't think so before reading these, but now...I mean, if I wasn't anorexic, I wouldn't have all the symptoms.

I am eating three meals, but they are small. I can control my breakfast and lunch, so I try to eat as little as possible because I have no idea how much food I'll have to eat at night. I stay hungry - which to me, is fantastic. There have only been two nights that I ate so much I wasn't hungry anymore. And I was miserable. I cried, my stomach hurt...it was a feeling I never want again.

I am also still over-exercising. I look in the mirror so many times a day, that I can't even count anymore, and you know what I always see? Fat. Just fat. All the time. I'm never thin enough, I always see fat, and ugly. You can see my ribs, chest bones, collar bones, hip bones - you can feel all them, and you can feel my bum bone if I sit on your lap. I get told I look skeletal, and anorexic, and terrible, and too thin...yet all I see is fat. And how I'd look so much better if I ate a little less. But not being in control of dinner completely hinges that. So I simply do as much as I can before dinner time. Then I exercise dinner off afterwards. It's the only way I'll feel satisfied enough. Last night I went to bed hungry, and happy. I was ecstatic. I lay in bed at night and stroke my hip bones, feel my chest bones...I'm so warped. I know. But I just...I don't know.

All day today I've been having flash backs from when I was like 11, and how terrified I was of becoming anorexic then...and how that, one time, I looked in the mirror, and saw a morbidly obese me staring back.And then I cried. And also how I was so terrified, that I couldn't eat for a few days. I had practically stopped eating because I was so worried I'd become anorexic, that I felt sick, and couldn't eat! God. I have literally struggled with my weight and appearance ever since I was like, 9 years old. It just didn't get to this point until 14...which, thank god it didn't start any sooner.

Then I think about how disappointed my dad would be in me right now...every time I exercise, every time I feel that burn in my chest, a sign I can't take what I am doing, yet I still keep on going...I know he'd have had a fit seeing me looking like this if he was still here. He thought I was too thin before he died, and I was eating normally then. So imagine what he'd say now...he'd get pissed off, and probably blame my mum - which this is certainly not her fault.

I don't know, it's all just so hard. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very happy at the moment, really, I am. It's just...tiring sometimes, ya know? It consumes my thoughts, my body, my day...anorexia has taken over me, and I love it. I allow it. I welcome it. It makes me happy to go to bed hungry, and to eat, then walk away knowing I'm still hungry. It also makes me happy to exercise so hard that I end up shaking afterwards, then knowing I'm just going to do more later. It fills me with joy to feel that burn in my legs when I walk up the stairs - that burn that makes me feel as if I will collapse right then and there. It lets me know that I am doing things right. Well, right in my distorted view of what's right. Others' would say it's sick, and wrong. I started worrying when I couldn't feel that burn anymore though. When I wasn't as in pain as I used to be when working out hard.

Ugh, I don't know. I'm so happy, but there is no doubt about it. No denying it. No covering it up anymore, because people can see me. I am anorexic, and it is my life. It has consumed me, and I'm happy about that. That sounds so wrong, but god it feels so right.

Searching for something in an empty forest, with a heart in pain, and a mind so scarred. Nothing makes sense anymore...

Tonight....no, today, has been terrible.

Right when I thought I was getting healthy, and wanting to be healthy, and fit...my "disorder", or whatever this is, says "Nope, fuck it. You're staying like you are, and no wait, actually, you're going to get worse. Yeah, mmhm. And DIE eventually." Yeah...

Ugh, I just don't know what to do. I was obviously not happy at 108, and now at 103, I'm happier...but I still want to be at a lower weight. It's never going to stop. Because I'd rather not eat enough, and lose weight, than start eating again and MAYBE get fit. I don't know if I could get abs, and look awesome. And that's what terrifies me so much about eating again. Well, one of the reasons.

And it's like, when I look in the mirror...I can see my hip bones, chest bones, ribs, the bones in my arms and legs...but somehow that's not good enough for me. Why? Hell if I know. I just don't get this. I don't get me. The hunger. The feeling I get when I go hungry is amazing. I feel energized and incredible. Like I can do anything, like I weigh nothing, and I can just jump around and float. It's something that even words couldn't do justice in describing. And it scares me. Because I love it so much.

For the first time in my life, I feel little. When I was walking Tace around the neighbourhood - running with her as well, I felt tiny. Like Tace was kind of massive compared to me, and it felt good. I love it. I felt energized, and like I could do anything. I just felt wonderful.

But I hurt. I hurt when I eat in two different ways, and I hurt when I don't eat. Because I know when I don't eat, I hurt the ones I love, but when I do eat, I hurt myself in a way that absolutely tears me apart. But I know my loved ones are more important...so why do I keep this up? I just don't understand this, and I don't understand me. It all makes no sense.

I can tell everyone around me loves me, and hurts for me. Especially my mum. I didn't know how hard on her this all was, until tonight. And I really feel bad for doing this. To her, and to others...but I just don't know how to get out of this mindset. It's terrifying and confusing. And I hate it.

I just don't know. I simply don't know. And I don't understand. I'm so lost - completely and utterly lost. I don't know who I am, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it...I just do not understand. It all just does not compute. It's not logical, nor rational. It's insanity, and completely irrational. I believe I am quite intelligent at times - so why am I doing this? If I'm so goddamn intelligent, then why the fuck am I doing this to me, and to the ones around me?...Well, that's the question. The question that so makes me wonder. Keeps me awake, and keeps me analyzing, and pondering. Why...why do I do the things I do, if I know they are simply not logical, nor rational, and most certainly not healthy.

The thing I need to do now, is just take time to really think about all this, and why I am doing it. Because right now I am so lost.

So teach me how to love myself, and see the beauty, and love the health...guide me on the path of life

I thought I might as well write about problem two now...

Okay, so we've established that I have a weight problem, and eating issues...or, not eating issues. But that's not the only problem I have.

I've been cutting for about 4 months or so now, and I don't know how to stop that. I will say that I've cut less lately, but that's still not stopping. Which I'm trying to do. My arms, and even legs are kind of covered in scars/marks from where I've cut. And they're very noticeable...which it then gets stressful trying to hide them from people that don't know I do it.

But anyway. So yeah, I'm a cutter. And yesterday or the day before my mum made an excellent point. We're going to the beach next month, and I'll be in a swim suit...I really don't want to draw attention to myself more than I already will. So either I stop cutting before then(which is highly unlikely), or I cut back once time gets closer(most likely). I don't mind the scars at all...but after fresh cuts, it looks bad. Well, it draws attention. I personally think my cuts look okay, but that's me. Obviously. To others...well they don't know what to think when seeing them, so.

But yes, I've got two fairly major problems that I need to take care of. The weight thing shall be first, since it can get really dangerous. My cutting isn't going to get any worse than it already is, and I know that for sure. So I need to focus on my...whatever this is, first.

And also...I'm now down to 105. So. Yes, I need to work on this weight thing first most definitely.

Sitting and staring at nothing, waiting for that perfect idea to spark in a laboratory like mind...

Okay so I've basically been sitting here for like 40 minutes just trying to figure what to post about...

I still have nothing to say, really.

I'll try at least...so like two days ago it snowed...which was extremely odd. I mean, just the day before it snowed, it was hot and humid...how does it go from that, to snowing?! It's absolutely bonkers. Bonkers but definitely a good thing, as I didn't have school on Monday because of it. Yes...I know I homeschool, and don't have to go anywhere, but it seemed so logical, it was bound to happen.

Homeschool...god I hate saying that. I mean don't get me wrong, I feel fortunate to be able to - get up when I want, go to bed when I want, and basically do what I want. And when that time of the month arrives, and I feel horrid, I get to skip that day of school usually. So, even though I feel grateful for that, I also feel...pretty much like a loser.

I mean, I get up, do school, run, eat, then spend the rest of the day on the internet pretty much. Which, don't get me wrong, I love the internet...a lot. Obviously. It's just I guess I'm kind of a loser for spending literally all my time on the computer. With the exception of dancing and the other things I just named.

Ah well, it's all right. Although I don't go to public school, I have a pretty great life in general. Yes I have my problems, and my issues and all that...and things are hard, but all and all, I have a good life. Better than most. So I should definitely be thankful for it. And I am. =)

And despite some of the things I've gone through in the past few days...I actually feel pretty happy now. For a most wonderful reason. =D