And there I was left standing - still not thinking I'm thin enough...

Why can't I see the truth in this picture? Why can't I see the reality of it all? Why do I have an eating disorder? Why does it seem like I'll never be happy?...

So many questions, yet none of them can be answered. So much confusion, it overwhelms me. So much hunger, it pains me. So much pain, it brings me to tears. Even now I can't write this with a face dry of tears.

There's so much I want to know, and I feel like there's so little time - like my life is running away from me, and I'm left desperate to catch up. I feel like every day I'm here, is just another day I didn't die of heart failure from the over-exercising, and lack of calories. I feel like every day I'm still here, is just luck, and that someday soon my time will come. I feel like there's a clock that lights up each time I light my candle in the night - the clock of my life-span flashes as a shadow reminding me every night, with each light of my candle. And I feel like every night that clock appears, is just another reminder of how little time I have left. And how I have to decide what I want to make of my life.

This is where there is confusion, and pain. So much pain. I could use this short time and starve myself again - it wouldn't be so hard, right? It would be simple, going back to old habits, and dropping more weight than I already have. Becoming tragically beautiful, again. A model. Powerful, accomplished, in control.

Yet at the same time, not in control. Because as I've learned before, I do not control my life, when I control my eating...Anna controls my life. And by God have I seen enough of her lately. She has been everywhere, and I'm just letting her hurt me. I'm letting her win again. I'm being her best friend. And I swore I'd never go back there, again. Yet here I am, again, Anna's temporary BFF(until she kills me off). How could I make the same mistake? How could I let her back in, and let her control me like this again? How could I ever like it, again? It makes absolutely no sense. This insane idea of mine that I've always despised. DESPISED. Is now my current dream. My current goal. Starvation, over-exercising, and low BMI...that's where my "dream" is taking me. Sure I could be a potential Vogue cover girl...but would my life be worth that? Would the man I love, be worth that? Would my friends and family, be worth that? Jamie says no - hell no. Anna says fuck it all. Anna says think of how accomplished and perfect you'll feel once you're there - once you've gotten there, nothing else will matter.

But the problem is, it will. I don't want to lose relationships, and basically, life again. But that stupid fantasy is in the way. Anna is in the way. She's already causing me damage in relationships and life.

The other side of all the Anna thoughts though, is me. The real me. Jamie. Not Anna. I don't want to starve again, and I don't want to lose more weight, and become tragically beautiful. I want to be a fit, sex kitten, and have women hate me wherever I go, because of it. I want to eat what I want, when I want, and not worry. I want to sit when I want, do what I want and not stress over calories burned, exercise, and everything else insane about this stupid eating disorder. I want to ultimately be healthy, and happy. And have my man, and my family, and my friends...I don't want to be alone. I don't want to just have bones, and Anna. They can't comfort me forever. It just doesn't work like that, as I've learned from previous experiences. I want to be thin, and healthy, and fit, and not worry at all about food and calories, and exercise. I just want to be normal again. Please?...


So she tells her story of woe, and hopes for a better ending than the one she sees in her future, now.


God, please help me. Please, please, please...

It's almost time again, to head back home on the road to recovery, the highway of healing

I was going through all the photos of when I was starving today. And I can honestly say I miss it. I miss all of it. The hunger, feeling my bones, seeing my bones, feeling like a beautiful super model for the first time in my life. All of that is now taken away from me. All of it.

I think every day how I'm going to slowly work my way back to where I was. How each and every day I'll get closer and closer to my goal weight. It's so far away, but it isn't impossible. I've almost been there - I was only 7 pounds away when I stopped starving. I had almost made it.

Yes, those two perfect little numbers stick out in my head each and every day, and every time I think about reaching those numbers, I remember that wonderful man I was talking about a couple days ago. I think about his opinion on how I look NOW, compared to when I was starving. And you know what? Being thin really isn't worth losing such a wonderful relationship. It just isn't. Because that's what would happen if I starved again - I'd drift away just like I did before. I did it with everyone, not just him. And I don't want to lose him or anyone else.

So point is, I think about starving all the time. And when I skip meals, it makes it particularly difficult, because then I get a taste of the feeling again - I start to remember why I had that feeling all the time. I start to remember what I looked like because I let myself get that hungry, and I want it. I want it so bad. But not as much as I want my wonderful, sexy English Llama, I'll tell you that. Looking like a skeleton is just not worth what I'd lose to get there.

So here I am - still trying my best to fight Anna, and come out strong and recovered. And in just a few days, I will be fighting with all I've got. I'll be back in the real world, with the centre, and my support group. I'll be back in recovery world. And I need that. A vacation is strangely not what I needed - although I've enjoyed it, I think it was too soon to leave the centre and venture out on my own. I wasn't ready. But alas, my journey is almost over, and I will be back on the road to recovery again in no time. Which means I'll be one step closer to fucking Anna's shit up. The stupid bitch won't even know what hit her.

Heavily resting on my heart; guilt

Nothing can describe the overwhelming guilt I always feel, the weight on my heart, the lump of sorrow in my throat I swallow back every day, the pain I try so hard to hide and ignore.

The guilt is by far the worst. My mum and Summer are having to be in the car, and wait for hours three times a week - because of me. My mum has to put off her life, and have virtually no fun, because of me. She's thrown with accusations of cancelling every potential fun plan because of me. My mum' life is not fun right now, and that is all due to me.

God, you know I think everyday if it's the day. The day to kill myself, and end all of the things my mum is being forced to do right now, because of me. But ironically, even killing myself would bombard her with a different kind of things she is forced to do. But that is only for a short while, where as my recovering from anorexia could take years. If I end it now though, my mum will soon be able to get on with her life - as will everybody else.

I hear my mum say life is all about me now, and there is an indescribable amount of guilt that rushes through my heart, my brain, every part of me feels the guilt. I don't want my mother's life to be all about me, and I don't want Summer's life to be about me either.

But what do I do? What do I do to make it not about me? I could cut myself, and break the contract at ACE, then I'd be forced out, and my mum's life would no longer revolve around me. Sure I'd have to live my life in a constant battle against Anna, but I could do it. I could manage, and I would survive. I could put on a happy face, like I always do, and say everything is okay. Because it would be, as long as I had it all under control. I think I could do that. I'm seriously contemplating leaving treatment. Because I can honestly say that the guilt comes extremely close to being worse than the disease.

I hate myself. Everything about me. I hate the fact I'm putting my family through this, I hate the fact I have this disease, I just generally loath myself and everything about me. I'm so ugly - inside and out. I'm a nasty person that doesn't deserve to be here. I don't deserve this treatment. I don't deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be ill, and suffering. Dying a slow death, is what I deserve. And I had that, when I was starving. Every second of every day I contemplate going back to starvation, so I will live in pain. That's the life I deserve.

My family doesn't deserve what they're being put through. But I deserve what I think I should be put through. And it isn't what I'm being put through right now - because I am recovering. I deserve to be suffering, that's just how it is. I think that's what I was put on this earth for - to live a few years of my life in happiness, then die a slow and deserving death.

I was born a worthless person, and always will be. So why not own up to it, and end it all now? That is the question I'm still working on answering. It will come to me. I just have to have a bit of patience. When the day comes to end my worthless existence, I will know. I always do.