Waiting to bleed it out...

I keep waiting for it to be over. I keep waiting for the urge to somehow wash away with my crimson blood. I wait for the pain inside to go away, but it just intensifies as I rip through my flesh.

I watch my blood run down the sides of my arms. I feel the cold, wet drops wash over every inch of my skin; like the tears that cover my worthless face.

I try to stop, but end up thrashing harder, faster - with more intention. All the while I tell myself over and over again to keep going.

Because I deserve this traumatizing pain. I deserve to suffer.

Taking emotions and experiences and using my creativity never felt so good...

"The pain I had been longing for, for so long, has finally come to me.
My heart is racing, my stomach sinks, I feel as if I might cry, but there is just too much anger in my way. I am furious. I am hurting. And I like it.
I've been given the pain I recieve after I slit my silky skin - the numbness of it all while in the act, then the sting afterwards. That's what I feel right this moment. The sting. And I can't help but wish for the numbness again and again. To not experience pain in an emotional way, but a physical way. To watch my blood run free from my veins to see the way my skin parts as I drag the weapon across, leaving nothing but blood and soon to be scars. I crave this feeling. I need this feeling. And it hurts - it hurts worse than any cut could ever. I feel so trapped in my own life, I feel as if I am a prisoner in this home, in this country - I'm so ready to break the hinges of this door keeping me from my independence, my freedom, and my life. My destiny, and my future.

But all I feel right now is the sting - and for once in so long, I am comfortable. I am stinging, and angry, and I am comfortable. God I'm sane...
Ha. Just kidding. Oh and for your information, I was being sarcastic. If anything you're getting inside the mind of someone gone mental. Because I'm SO special like that. Fuck me. No, fuck YOU. And I wonder why everyone deems me a quote; "angry person"...you know, that really pisses me off.

...No seriously. It does. So shut up and sod off."

Split my skin, and watch me bleed my emotions out...

The feeling; words can't describe. Adrenaline pulsing through my vains, the feel and sight of my soft flesh, quickly being torn apart - knowing I could be caught at any moment...

It's so sick; so wrong to any human being that would never think twice about injuring them-self on purpose. But so right to the ones that understand - the ones that crave that feeling...

This is how I feel. Every time I cut. Every time I think of cutting, think of tearing apart my silky flesh, watch my blood bubble out like an erupted volcano. Nothing can truly describe the feeling, the craving...the way my arm stings afterwards, but feels so numb while in the act. The guilt and pain I feel beforehand - knowing that it hurts the man I love every time I slit my skin. It kills me. Every mark I make on myself comes with a life supply of guilt and shame. Not because I'm ashamed of my scars and cuts, because I actually see them as a part of me, and they're part of who I am - they remind me of what I've been through, and what I'm going through. It actually keeps me grounded. But anyway, as I was saying, I am ashamed of the fact I still do it - even though I know it hurts people I love.

But do I stop? No. Should I? Hell yes. Why don't I, you ask? I have no bloody idea. Honestly. I love him more than words could ever describe, yet I still do it to myself. To him. I still proceed to injure myself time and time again when I'm extremely upset. But I am trying, I am really trying. I'm am fighting my anorexia, and I am winning - I love my body now, and I'm working hard on my food intake, and not worrying about gaining weight, because I have to gain some right now. I am winning.

Now I just have to beat this vampire that likes to tease himself by talking me into slitting my skin open, so he can watch my blood pour...

I'm beating Anna, now I have to beat Dimitri. Ugh. Bloody battles. When will they end?

I've been tagged...

Okay...I was tagged to do this silly 10 questions thing, so here goes...

1. Do you have Flinstone or Jetson toes? Um, not sure. I mean my toes aren't particularly fat, but they're also not long, so...yeah, don't know.

2. What did you have for breakfast? Cereal and fruit.

3. Do you name things? Sometimes. I mean I name my stuffed animals, and I give my dog Tacey a million stupid nicknames, such as: Beegadoors, Meegadermeatzees, Mings, Mingy...and the list goes on. How I came up with them? No idea. And yes, I'm weird.

4. What do you want for Christmas? Honestly? Happiness. I want to not be depressed, and almost completely out of my eating disorder. That'd be the best damn thing ever.

5. Favorite movie quote: My favourite is from Austin Powers Goldmember -
Nigel Powers: So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion?
Mini Me: [Mini-Me nods unsure]
Nigel: You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies... Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
Mini Me: [Mini-Me unzips his pants]
Nigel: My lord! You're a tripod. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
Mini Me: [Mini-Me nods, smiling] (I literally love those films...I've watched them more times than I can count. So hilarious. :oP)


6. What are some of your phobias? Germs. That's basically the only phobia I have. I'm so afraid of germs - hence the OCD. The OCD came out of my fear of germs.

7. If you had to change your hair color, what would you change it to? I've always wanted red hair. Not red red, but you know, natural red hair colour. But it wouldn't work with my skin tone..

8. What is your dream job? Zoologist. Well, I mean, I have a lot of dream jobs. What I actually day dream about though, is: Being a chemist, and winning a Nobel prize, and once I've achieved that I want to travel the world and save helpless animals in the wilderness. Once I'm done with that maybe slow down a bit and write an award winning novel...that's not all I dream of, but I won't list the other things right now. Haha.

9. What Hollywood star do you think is hot? Daniel Radcliffe. He is so sexy...

10. Are you embarrassed that you have nothing better to do than fill out this survey?
Yeah...just a wee bit.

It might as well have been "1978"...

Sometimes I wonder why I was born in the wrong decade. I feel like a fucking 30 year old stuck in a 15 year old's body. Maybe god(assuming there is one) mixed up my brain with some 30 year old's. Don't get me wrong, I love my mind...most days. It's just difficult when you basically feel like the only adult in the household sometimes.

That is all I have to say right now...