Inside the mind of an eating disordered girl...

Anorexia. What does that mean?...I'll tell you what it means.

It means going through your freezer for over 20 minutes just looking for something "low calorie" enough, it means reading ever single food label brought in the house so that you know what your mum might possibly want to feed you, and how to reject it because of the calories, fat, etc. - it means popping in pieces of gum when all you want is just some more food, it means over-exercising and working yourself until you feel you're about to pass out - even if in the middle of all this over-working you're having heart palpitations. It doesn't matter, because, you're burning calories, right? You're burning fat, right? It doesn't matter if your chest is stinging and it feels as if you're about to have a heart attack. Because you're burning off "those c's" - you're losing more weight, not maintaining, and you're making Anna happy. Right? Right. But no...wrong. So wrong. I see that, I see that over-exercising and not eating when I want to is wrong, but it feels so right.

Why do I still look at myself in the mirror and see fat? Why do I still think if I looked like a model, everything would be perfect? Why do I go searching every morning for an episode of America's Next Top Model, just so I can watch all these tragically beautiful girls, and wish I was one of them. Why does that bring me joy to imagine being one of them? Why do I fantasise and pretend that they're living my "dream" for me? And why do I despise every one of them because they are allowed to be in their eating disorders - they are allowed to be tragically beautiful, like I once was. Was. That's such a horrid word to me regarding what it means. Why can't I be "is", instead of "was" - why can't I be like those girls, and feel beautiful again? Why do I have to be...healthy. And...fat.

Those are my E.D. thoughts. Those are the thoughts that run through my head pretty much every day. And you know what my description of anorexia, is? It's me. I do that. Every. Day. I worry about napping because it will mess up my moving around time, I worry about food CONSTANTLY, I worry about gaining weight(even though I am not maintaining yet), I worry about every single thing regarding my food, calories, fat, weight, weight gain...I'm obsessed.

I'm learning about food, and digestion, and calories and such in my biology, and it's fascinating...I love to read it. I love to read about the things anorexics crave to know. I wouldn't, however, have loved to read all that stuff a couple years ago, I would have found it boring as shit, and never retained any of it simply because of that. But I have a disease now, and it's taken over me.

There are so many "whys" in my vocabulary lately. I'm always questioning the things that I can't explain, that no one can explain. Like, why do I think those models are beautiful? Why do I want to look like them? And why the FUCK do I have anorexia?! Yup. Lots of "whys" going on in my head. And on paper, and on my blog. And...well, everywhere.

And another why...why do I always have such down beat posts? I mean, bloody hell, come on! What am I, if not the girl that cried "oh woe is me!". Ugh. I promise you guys, soon...ish, I'll start writing happier things. For now I'd just kind of like to vent though, and basically let you all see a little bit more into the mind of an eating disordered girl, because God is it hard. And no one without the disease can truly understand. So that's what I'm here for, to hopefully stop the anger directed at what feels like me, and to help more people understand without having to go through it.

But you guys totally know that despite all my moaning and whining, and un-healthy thoughts, I'm totally trying my hardest to kick Anna's ass, right? Because I totally am. Totally.

And there I was left standing - still not thinking I'm thin enough...

Why can't I see the truth in this picture? Why can't I see the reality of it all? Why do I have an eating disorder? Why does it seem like I'll never be happy?...

So many questions, yet none of them can be answered. So much confusion, it overwhelms me. So much hunger, it pains me. So much pain, it brings me to tears. Even now I can't write this with a face dry of tears.

There's so much I want to know, and I feel like there's so little time - like my life is running away from me, and I'm left desperate to catch up. I feel like every day I'm here, is just another day I didn't die of heart failure from the over-exercising, and lack of calories. I feel like every day I'm still here, is just luck, and that someday soon my time will come. I feel like there's a clock that lights up each time I light my candle in the night - the clock of my life-span flashes as a shadow reminding me every night, with each light of my candle. And I feel like every night that clock appears, is just another reminder of how little time I have left. And how I have to decide what I want to make of my life.

This is where there is confusion, and pain. So much pain. I could use this short time and starve myself again - it wouldn't be so hard, right? It would be simple, going back to old habits, and dropping more weight than I already have. Becoming tragically beautiful, again. A model. Powerful, accomplished, in control.

Yet at the same time, not in control. Because as I've learned before, I do not control my life, when I control my eating...Anna controls my life. And by God have I seen enough of her lately. She has been everywhere, and I'm just letting her hurt me. I'm letting her win again. I'm being her best friend. And I swore I'd never go back there, again. Yet here I am, again, Anna's temporary BFF(until she kills me off). How could I make the same mistake? How could I let her back in, and let her control me like this again? How could I ever like it, again? It makes absolutely no sense. This insane idea of mine that I've always despised. DESPISED. Is now my current dream. My current goal. Starvation, over-exercising, and low BMI...that's where my "dream" is taking me. Sure I could be a potential Vogue cover girl...but would my life be worth that? Would the man I love, be worth that? Would my friends and family, be worth that? Jamie says no - hell no. Anna says fuck it all. Anna says think of how accomplished and perfect you'll feel once you're there - once you've gotten there, nothing else will matter.

But the problem is, it will. I don't want to lose relationships, and basically, life again. But that stupid fantasy is in the way. Anna is in the way. She's already causing me damage in relationships and life.

The other side of all the Anna thoughts though, is me. The real me. Jamie. Not Anna. I don't want to starve again, and I don't want to lose more weight, and become tragically beautiful. I want to be a fit, sex kitten, and have women hate me wherever I go, because of it. I want to eat what I want, when I want, and not worry. I want to sit when I want, do what I want and not stress over calories burned, exercise, and everything else insane about this stupid eating disorder. I want to ultimately be healthy, and happy. And have my man, and my family, and my friends...I don't want to be alone. I don't want to just have bones, and Anna. They can't comfort me forever. It just doesn't work like that, as I've learned from previous experiences. I want to be thin, and healthy, and fit, and not worry at all about food and calories, and exercise. I just want to be normal again. Please?...


So she tells her story of woe, and hopes for a better ending than the one she sees in her future, now.


God, please help me. Please, please, please...