And there I was left standing - still not thinking I'm thin enough...

Why can't I see the truth in this picture? Why can't I see the reality of it all? Why do I have an eating disorder? Why does it seem like I'll never be happy?...

So many questions, yet none of them can be answered. So much confusion, it overwhelms me. So much hunger, it pains me. So much pain, it brings me to tears. Even now I can't write this with a face dry of tears.

There's so much I want to know, and I feel like there's so little time - like my life is running away from me, and I'm left desperate to catch up. I feel like every day I'm here, is just another day I didn't die of heart failure from the over-exercising, and lack of calories. I feel like every day I'm still here, is just luck, and that someday soon my time will come. I feel like there's a clock that lights up each time I light my candle in the night - the clock of my life-span flashes as a shadow reminding me every night, with each light of my candle. And I feel like every night that clock appears, is just another reminder of how little time I have left. And how I have to decide what I want to make of my life.

This is where there is confusion, and pain. So much pain. I could use this short time and starve myself again - it wouldn't be so hard, right? It would be simple, going back to old habits, and dropping more weight than I already have. Becoming tragically beautiful, again. A model. Powerful, accomplished, in control.

Yet at the same time, not in control. Because as I've learned before, I do not control my life, when I control my eating...Anna controls my life. And by God have I seen enough of her lately. She has been everywhere, and I'm just letting her hurt me. I'm letting her win again. I'm being her best friend. And I swore I'd never go back there, again. Yet here I am, again, Anna's temporary BFF(until she kills me off). How could I make the same mistake? How could I let her back in, and let her control me like this again? How could I ever like it, again? It makes absolutely no sense. This insane idea of mine that I've always despised. DESPISED. Is now my current dream. My current goal. Starvation, over-exercising, and low BMI...that's where my "dream" is taking me. Sure I could be a potential Vogue cover girl...but would my life be worth that? Would the man I love, be worth that? Would my friends and family, be worth that? Jamie says no - hell no. Anna says fuck it all. Anna says think of how accomplished and perfect you'll feel once you're there - once you've gotten there, nothing else will matter.

But the problem is, it will. I don't want to lose relationships, and basically, life again. But that stupid fantasy is in the way. Anna is in the way. She's already causing me damage in relationships and life.

The other side of all the Anna thoughts though, is me. The real me. Jamie. Not Anna. I don't want to starve again, and I don't want to lose more weight, and become tragically beautiful. I want to be a fit, sex kitten, and have women hate me wherever I go, because of it. I want to eat what I want, when I want, and not worry. I want to sit when I want, do what I want and not stress over calories burned, exercise, and everything else insane about this stupid eating disorder. I want to ultimately be healthy, and happy. And have my man, and my family, and my friends...I don't want to be alone. I don't want to just have bones, and Anna. They can't comfort me forever. It just doesn't work like that, as I've learned from previous experiences. I want to be thin, and healthy, and fit, and not worry at all about food and calories, and exercise. I just want to be normal again. Please?...


So she tells her story of woe, and hopes for a better ending than the one she sees in her future, now.


God, please help me. Please, please, please...