Searching for something in an empty forest, with a heart in pain, and a mind so scarred. Nothing makes sense anymore...

Tonight....no, today, has been terrible.

Right when I thought I was getting healthy, and wanting to be healthy, and fit...my "disorder", or whatever this is, says "Nope, fuck it. You're staying like you are, and no wait, actually, you're going to get worse. Yeah, mmhm. And DIE eventually." Yeah...

Ugh, I just don't know what to do. I was obviously not happy at 108, and now at 103, I'm happier...but I still want to be at a lower weight. It's never going to stop. Because I'd rather not eat enough, and lose weight, than start eating again and MAYBE get fit. I don't know if I could get abs, and look awesome. And that's what terrifies me so much about eating again. Well, one of the reasons.

And it's like, when I look in the mirror...I can see my hip bones, chest bones, ribs, the bones in my arms and legs...but somehow that's not good enough for me. Why? Hell if I know. I just don't get this. I don't get me. The hunger. The feeling I get when I go hungry is amazing. I feel energized and incredible. Like I can do anything, like I weigh nothing, and I can just jump around and float. It's something that even words couldn't do justice in describing. And it scares me. Because I love it so much.

For the first time in my life, I feel little. When I was walking Tace around the neighbourhood - running with her as well, I felt tiny. Like Tace was kind of massive compared to me, and it felt good. I love it. I felt energized, and like I could do anything. I just felt wonderful.

But I hurt. I hurt when I eat in two different ways, and I hurt when I don't eat. Because I know when I don't eat, I hurt the ones I love, but when I do eat, I hurt myself in a way that absolutely tears me apart. But I know my loved ones are more important...so why do I keep this up? I just don't understand this, and I don't understand me. It all makes no sense.

I can tell everyone around me loves me, and hurts for me. Especially my mum. I didn't know how hard on her this all was, until tonight. And I really feel bad for doing this. To her, and to others...but I just don't know how to get out of this mindset. It's terrifying and confusing. And I hate it.

I just don't know. I simply don't know. And I don't understand. I'm so lost - completely and utterly lost. I don't know who I am, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it...I just do not understand. It all just does not compute. It's not logical, nor rational. It's insanity, and completely irrational. I believe I am quite intelligent at times - so why am I doing this? If I'm so goddamn intelligent, then why the fuck am I doing this to me, and to the ones around me?...Well, that's the question. The question that so makes me wonder. Keeps me awake, and keeps me analyzing, and pondering. Why...why do I do the things I do, if I know they are simply not logical, nor rational, and most certainly not healthy.

The thing I need to do now, is just take time to really think about all this, and why I am doing it. Because right now I am so lost.

Mend my heart back to a whole, and take away the pain so hidden underneath my dying soul...

Sorry for the lack of updates...it's just, anything I write right now will be kind of depressing. Well, depressing, and not worth reading in my opinion. But of course, that's just me.

But anyway, I guess I'll just give an update on my problems...

The weight thing is...well it's going all right I guess. I'm trying to eat more - well, no, not really trying, I'm giving in. It's hard work. Starving myself, and over working...and it's so fucking hard to be around all the wonderful food my mum cooks, and not eat it. It's the most difficult thing ever. It's why I do better with my "basically starvation" thing in the week. The kids aren't home, so it's not an eating fest. Which I like. And also I feel more motivated in the week. I'm not sure why, but I do.

And now I've developed a cold. I've got a sore throat, I'm exhausted, and I just generally don't feel all that well. I'm usually not fussed by colds, but this is different. I think my body is kind of freaking out. I danced today, and I've moved a round a lot - and by the time it was like 9pm, I was sitting on the sofa hoping I wasn't going to have to go to the emergency room or something. I was extremely exhausted(likely from all the moving about and really not eating as much as I should, I guess), and because of this cold, and also I react strangely to pain killers and such. I don't know why. But the effects are worse this time.

Even typing this out is taking a little too much effort. I really just think my body doesn't know what to do. I'm still not eating until I get full, which in my opinion is great, and I'm also still over working myself just a bit. But I thought my body was getting used to it, as I haven't been this exhausted since the first few days of my new "diet". But god...I'm really struggling right now. Breathing is even tough to do at the moment. It's not fun.

And as for the cutting...I haven't done that in a while, and was actually talked out of doing it last night by a very important friend of mine...he just cares for me so much, and, I can tell he really hates me doing this to myself - as well as the weight thing. He said every time he sees a photograph that shows my scars, he immediately gets sad. And he told me last night that he couldn't even explain how much it hurts him to see them. Which really woke me up...I was going to cut last night, but after all that, and then some more...there was just no way I was going to hurt him like that.

And my weight issues effect him too. He really wants me to put on a bit, and get healthy. And he also really really wants me to stop weighing myself every day. Which I want to too. But it's become kind of like...a compulsion. And I'm already OCD, so that's no good. And if I eat a little more than I think I should I immediately head for the scale. Which isn't good because I know my weight naturally fluctuates throughout the day after eating and such. And when I go to the scale I always end up feeling super depressed, and determined to starve the next day. Which has failed lately, what with all the food around.

I don't know...I'm just ready to stop stressing, and stop worrying about gaining, and stop thinking that I always need to be thinner. I'm at 104 now and usually pretty damn happy and confident with my new look...and then I see a photo or something, or a model...and it depresses me. I always think "God, how does she have such perfect boobs, and how is she so tiny?..." It's seriously depressing. Right when I think I'm happy with myself, I see a girl I think I should look like. It's horrid.

And I still want to be at 102. But that's not possible if I keep eating. Grrr, I just want to be normal, and not worry anymore. Seriously, that would be lovely.

But anyhow...that's been me, and my life lately. And it's completely depressing, and for that I am sorry to all the people that actually read this crap. I feel like I should be getting comments saying "Cheer up emo kid."

So teach me how to love myself, and see the beauty, and love the health...guide me on the path of life

I thought I might as well write about problem two now...

Okay, so we've established that I have a weight problem, and eating issues...or, not eating issues. But that's not the only problem I have.

I've been cutting for about 4 months or so now, and I don't know how to stop that. I will say that I've cut less lately, but that's still not stopping. Which I'm trying to do. My arms, and even legs are kind of covered in scars/marks from where I've cut. And they're very noticeable...which it then gets stressful trying to hide them from people that don't know I do it.

But anyway. So yeah, I'm a cutter. And yesterday or the day before my mum made an excellent point. We're going to the beach next month, and I'll be in a swim suit...I really don't want to draw attention to myself more than I already will. So either I stop cutting before then(which is highly unlikely), or I cut back once time gets closer(most likely). I don't mind the scars at all...but after fresh cuts, it looks bad. Well, it draws attention. I personally think my cuts look okay, but that's me. Obviously. To others...well they don't know what to think when seeing them, so.

But yes, I've got two fairly major problems that I need to take care of. The weight thing shall be first, since it can get really dangerous. My cutting isn't going to get any worse than it already is, and I know that for sure. So I need to focus on my...whatever this is, first.

And also...I'm now down to 105. So. Yes, I need to work on this weight thing first most definitely.

So help me, take this pain and unhappiness away, and save me from my death...

Okay, so I've been pondering posting about what's really happening with me...and I all I can say is, I'm going through some rough things right now.

I'm sorry for the lack of updates, I just haven't had anything good to share. It's all depressing stuff, and basically complaints.

Anyway, I might as well share a bit. I've always had issues with myself. Just me in general. I pretty much hate myself, if I'm being honest. I don't think I'm pretty, thin enough, a good person, intelligent...I mean, sometimes I think I'm intelligent, but that is rare. I really only believe I'm intelligent after I've written some nice poetry, or written more to my novels...point is though, I hate myself. Plain and simple. I'm never happy with me.

And now I'm really struggling. I'm having weight issues...not that major, but a big enough deal to make my friends and family worry about me. I mean, I've lost two pounds in two days...and not in a very healthy way either. I'm no longer 108, I'm now 106. I just weighed myself like an hour ago. And that's not a healthy weight for my height. A healthy weight is about 117. Or so the charts say.

I have a problem. No, I have more than one problem, but my main focus now is my weight. I'm really struggling with this. I'm trying to fight it, I really am, but in the end, I'm still afraid it might win. I don't know if I have what it takes to beat it. I've been told I do, but I still can't believe it yet.

Anyhow, my life hasn't been the best lately. I feel as if I got stuck in the bottom of a wishing well, and the only reason why I was there in the first place, was to wish for true happiness...but somehow something went completely wrong, and I fell. Fell deep down to the bottom, and now I'm stuck, struggling to make my way back up. Because if I don't, I'll drown.

Sitting and staring at nothing, waiting for that perfect idea to spark in a laboratory like mind...

Okay so I've basically been sitting here for like 40 minutes just trying to figure what to post about...

I still have nothing to say, really.

I'll try at least...so like two days ago it snowed...which was extremely odd. I mean, just the day before it snowed, it was hot and humid...how does it go from that, to snowing?! It's absolutely bonkers. Bonkers but definitely a good thing, as I didn't have school on Monday because of it. Yes...I know I homeschool, and don't have to go anywhere, but it seemed so logical, it was bound to happen.

Homeschool...god I hate saying that. I mean don't get me wrong, I feel fortunate to be able to - get up when I want, go to bed when I want, and basically do what I want. And when that time of the month arrives, and I feel horrid, I get to skip that day of school usually. So, even though I feel grateful for that, I also feel...pretty much like a loser.

I mean, I get up, do school, run, eat, then spend the rest of the day on the internet pretty much. Which, don't get me wrong, I love the internet...a lot. Obviously. It's just I guess I'm kind of a loser for spending literally all my time on the computer. With the exception of dancing and the other things I just named.

Ah well, it's all right. Although I don't go to public school, I have a pretty great life in general. Yes I have my problems, and my issues and all that...and things are hard, but all and all, I have a good life. Better than most. So I should definitely be thankful for it. And I am. =)

And despite some of the things I've gone through in the past few days...I actually feel pretty happy now. For a most wonderful reason. =D