Searching for something in an empty forest, with a heart in pain, and a mind so scarred. Nothing makes sense anymore...

Tonight....no, today, has been terrible.

Right when I thought I was getting healthy, and wanting to be healthy, and fit...my "disorder", or whatever this is, says "Nope, fuck it. You're staying like you are, and no wait, actually, you're going to get worse. Yeah, mmhm. And DIE eventually." Yeah...

Ugh, I just don't know what to do. I was obviously not happy at 108, and now at 103, I'm happier...but I still want to be at a lower weight. It's never going to stop. Because I'd rather not eat enough, and lose weight, than start eating again and MAYBE get fit. I don't know if I could get abs, and look awesome. And that's what terrifies me so much about eating again. Well, one of the reasons.

And it's like, when I look in the mirror...I can see my hip bones, chest bones, ribs, the bones in my arms and legs...but somehow that's not good enough for me. Why? Hell if I know. I just don't get this. I don't get me. The hunger. The feeling I get when I go hungry is amazing. I feel energized and incredible. Like I can do anything, like I weigh nothing, and I can just jump around and float. It's something that even words couldn't do justice in describing. And it scares me. Because I love it so much.

For the first time in my life, I feel little. When I was walking Tace around the neighbourhood - running with her as well, I felt tiny. Like Tace was kind of massive compared to me, and it felt good. I love it. I felt energized, and like I could do anything. I just felt wonderful.

But I hurt. I hurt when I eat in two different ways, and I hurt when I don't eat. Because I know when I don't eat, I hurt the ones I love, but when I do eat, I hurt myself in a way that absolutely tears me apart. But I know my loved ones are more important...so why do I keep this up? I just don't understand this, and I don't understand me. It all makes no sense.

I can tell everyone around me loves me, and hurts for me. Especially my mum. I didn't know how hard on her this all was, until tonight. And I really feel bad for doing this. To her, and to others...but I just don't know how to get out of this mindset. It's terrifying and confusing. And I hate it.

I just don't know. I simply don't know. And I don't understand. I'm so lost - completely and utterly lost. I don't know who I am, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it...I just do not understand. It all just does not compute. It's not logical, nor rational. It's insanity, and completely irrational. I believe I am quite intelligent at times - so why am I doing this? If I'm so goddamn intelligent, then why the fuck am I doing this to me, and to the ones around me?...Well, that's the question. The question that so makes me wonder. Keeps me awake, and keeps me analyzing, and pondering. Why...why do I do the things I do, if I know they are simply not logical, nor rational, and most certainly not healthy.

The thing I need to do now, is just take time to really think about all this, and why I am doing it. Because right now I am so lost.