It's almost time again, to head back home on the road to recovery, the highway of healing

I was going through all the photos of when I was starving today. And I can honestly say I miss it. I miss all of it. The hunger, feeling my bones, seeing my bones, feeling like a beautiful super model for the first time in my life. All of that is now taken away from me. All of it.

I think every day how I'm going to slowly work my way back to where I was. How each and every day I'll get closer and closer to my goal weight. It's so far away, but it isn't impossible. I've almost been there - I was only 7 pounds away when I stopped starving. I had almost made it.

Yes, those two perfect little numbers stick out in my head each and every day, and every time I think about reaching those numbers, I remember that wonderful man I was talking about a couple days ago. I think about his opinion on how I look NOW, compared to when I was starving. And you know what? Being thin really isn't worth losing such a wonderful relationship. It just isn't. Because that's what would happen if I starved again - I'd drift away just like I did before. I did it with everyone, not just him. And I don't want to lose him or anyone else.

So point is, I think about starving all the time. And when I skip meals, it makes it particularly difficult, because then I get a taste of the feeling again - I start to remember why I had that feeling all the time. I start to remember what I looked like because I let myself get that hungry, and I want it. I want it so bad. But not as much as I want my wonderful, sexy English Llama, I'll tell you that. Looking like a skeleton is just not worth what I'd lose to get there.

So here I am - still trying my best to fight Anna, and come out strong and recovered. And in just a few days, I will be fighting with all I've got. I'll be back in the real world, with the centre, and my support group. I'll be back in recovery world. And I need that. A vacation is strangely not what I needed - although I've enjoyed it, I think it was too soon to leave the centre and venture out on my own. I wasn't ready. But alas, my journey is almost over, and I will be back on the road to recovery again in no time. Which means I'll be one step closer to fucking Anna's shit up. The stupid bitch won't even know what hit her.

I run for the win

You know what feels good? Running. Running until your lungs are on fire, and you feel as if you'll collapse. Running from everything in the world, and only leaving dust behind. Not another car, nor human being in sight - just me, and the open road.

All I hear and focus on is the sound of my heavy breathing and my bare feet tapping the asphalt. The wind rushing through my thick curls, my heart pounding through my chest.

Yup. There is no other feeling in the world like running. Maybe this is just my opinion - maybe I love it so much because I have the blood of a runner - my dad. Maybe it's because I have that same speed and connection with running, as my dad did. And I feel incredibly lucky to have gotten the gift from him. Because it is a gift.

When I'm running, nothing in the world can touch me - I am invisible, and I am strong. I'm out running Anna. I'm leaving her tranny ass in the dust, and I am winning the race. I feel beautiful and graceful only then - because only then do I know I am both those things. Or at least that's how I see it. I'm fast, I'm powerful, and I know that I can easily out run anyone I know. I feel confident in myself, and that, my friends, is not a feeling I get too often.

So needless to say, running is my thing , and if I can feel all those wonderful things when I run, then I sure as fuck can carry that into the hours and minutes I'm not running. I just have to keep it up - keep mentally and physically running to beat Anna, and win. Because I'm a hardass bitch, and I won't give in to some jiggly-ass tranny look-a-like.

What's passed is passed, and now with weary eyes and tired feet, I walk the path to my future

You know, a lot of the time I wonder if life is worth living. If one more day, will be one more day not even worth my time and energy.

Anna gets me so knackered each and every day, that by the time the day is ending, I wonder if it was even worth living through. I wonder if I should have committed suicide already - if tomorrow will be the day I do the deed. Now of course, I will not commit suicide, because it is probably the most selfish thing you can do in life. Or at least I think so. But I wonder if I was just put on this earth solely to show the world I'm here, then die after I've had a few passing glances.

You know what keeps me going everyday though? What makes each day a little easier, yet also a bit of a challenge to keep as a main thought? The one I am deeply in love with. Every negative thought that passes through my mind - every time I contemplate suicide, his words come into my head. The words: "You are brilliant, and you will fight this. I know you can do it.". That's all I need. All I need to let me remember why I am here, why I was put here, and who was put here for me to find. Also for me to remember that if I was strong enough to starve for as long as I did, then I am sure as hell strong enough to kick Anna's arse.

I don't know though. I mean, I obviously think of my family and friends too when I contemplate suicide, and hurting myself, which in turn will hurt them. But with him, he's all I need, to know that I am supposed to be here, and that once I beat Anna, there will be nothing holding me back from living the glorious future with him I know I can, and will have.

I just have to hold on to the future, and never look back at the past. Because what's done is done, what's passed is passed, and now I have the brightest, happiest future to look forward too.

So I guess all I have to say now, is...thank you for being there for me always, my English Llama. I love you more than anything I could put into words. <3

My mind is like the ocean; it will rise and crash on the shore every second of everyday - up and back down again, over and over

You know, sometimes I think I could have a bit of bipolar disorder...

I only say this because my moods are so extremely up and down all the time. It's gotten to the point where I feel like a lot of people will start to not like me because of it. I mean, I'll be extremely happy one moment, then the next I'm either incredibly depressed and suicidal, or pissed off at someone - for what feels like no rhyme or reason. I really do wonder all the time if it annoys others. I'm sure it does sometimes at least, if not all the time.

This is just another issue though - another thing for me to feel guilt over. Because it's quite easy to put on an act and say I'm okay all the time, when anyone but my mum and Summer are around. With them I try, but I just can't hide it. I don't really want to hide it - not from my mum at least. I want her to know when I'm upset, and don't feel I can tell her that verbally. So I guess I just show her.

I want to talk to her about what I'm struggling with, and I really want to feel better about myself after our chats. But I don't. Because no matter how many times I ask her: "Do you think I look fat? Have I been moving around enough today? Did I eat too much..?", I will always get the same answers, and I will always feel the same even after my questions have been answered. Because until I can see what my mum, and everyone else does, then whatever my mum tells me about my body and calories, and exercise and such, it won't matter. Because I have to believe it, to feel better about myself, and things in general. I just still feel so guilty though. So so guilty all the time. I wonder every day if I get on her nerves all the time with the same exact questions I ask. I mean, she's told me that I don't, and she's just frustrated at Anna, but still...I can't help but think that.

And then I feel guilty for talking about my weight, calories, fat, exercise and such around Summer. I mean, she IS only 10, and I feel terrible for talking about things like this, so openly in front of her. Although at the same time, I'm glad I say what I say around her, because maybe after watching everything I have to go through with recovery, and how stressed and anxious I always am, she won't have an eating disorder, or ever long to be super thin like I did/still do. Which, I definitely don't think Summer will ever develop an eating disorder, and I also don't think she'll have any body issues, really. I mean, she will to some extent, because every woman does, but I don't think her's would be anywhere near as severe as mine. I mean, I've struggled with body image and weight and such ever since I was 9 years old, so.

But anyway, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in a constant lose lose situation.

Heavily resting on my heart; guilt

Nothing can describe the overwhelming guilt I always feel, the weight on my heart, the lump of sorrow in my throat I swallow back every day, the pain I try so hard to hide and ignore.

The guilt is by far the worst. My mum and Summer are having to be in the car, and wait for hours three times a week - because of me. My mum has to put off her life, and have virtually no fun, because of me. She's thrown with accusations of cancelling every potential fun plan because of me. My mum' life is not fun right now, and that is all due to me.

God, you know I think everyday if it's the day. The day to kill myself, and end all of the things my mum is being forced to do right now, because of me. But ironically, even killing myself would bombard her with a different kind of things she is forced to do. But that is only for a short while, where as my recovering from anorexia could take years. If I end it now though, my mum will soon be able to get on with her life - as will everybody else.

I hear my mum say life is all about me now, and there is an indescribable amount of guilt that rushes through my heart, my brain, every part of me feels the guilt. I don't want my mother's life to be all about me, and I don't want Summer's life to be about me either.

But what do I do? What do I do to make it not about me? I could cut myself, and break the contract at ACE, then I'd be forced out, and my mum's life would no longer revolve around me. Sure I'd have to live my life in a constant battle against Anna, but I could do it. I could manage, and I would survive. I could put on a happy face, like I always do, and say everything is okay. Because it would be, as long as I had it all under control. I think I could do that. I'm seriously contemplating leaving treatment. Because I can honestly say that the guilt comes extremely close to being worse than the disease.

I hate myself. Everything about me. I hate the fact I'm putting my family through this, I hate the fact I have this disease, I just generally loath myself and everything about me. I'm so ugly - inside and out. I'm a nasty person that doesn't deserve to be here. I don't deserve this treatment. I don't deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be ill, and suffering. Dying a slow death, is what I deserve. And I had that, when I was starving. Every second of every day I contemplate going back to starvation, so I will live in pain. That's the life I deserve.

My family doesn't deserve what they're being put through. But I deserve what I think I should be put through. And it isn't what I'm being put through right now - because I am recovering. I deserve to be suffering, that's just how it is. I think that's what I was put on this earth for - to live a few years of my life in happiness, then die a slow and deserving death.

I was born a worthless person, and always will be. So why not own up to it, and end it all now? That is the question I'm still working on answering. It will come to me. I just have to have a bit of patience. When the day comes to end my worthless existence, I will know. I always do.