My mind is like the ocean; it will rise and crash on the shore every second of everyday - up and back down again, over and over

You know, sometimes I think I could have a bit of bipolar disorder...

I only say this because my moods are so extremely up and down all the time. It's gotten to the point where I feel like a lot of people will start to not like me because of it. I mean, I'll be extremely happy one moment, then the next I'm either incredibly depressed and suicidal, or pissed off at someone - for what feels like no rhyme or reason. I really do wonder all the time if it annoys others. I'm sure it does sometimes at least, if not all the time.

This is just another issue though - another thing for me to feel guilt over. Because it's quite easy to put on an act and say I'm okay all the time, when anyone but my mum and Summer are around. With them I try, but I just can't hide it. I don't really want to hide it - not from my mum at least. I want her to know when I'm upset, and don't feel I can tell her that verbally. So I guess I just show her.

I want to talk to her about what I'm struggling with, and I really want to feel better about myself after our chats. But I don't. Because no matter how many times I ask her: "Do you think I look fat? Have I been moving around enough today? Did I eat too much..?", I will always get the same answers, and I will always feel the same even after my questions have been answered. Because until I can see what my mum, and everyone else does, then whatever my mum tells me about my body and calories, and exercise and such, it won't matter. Because I have to believe it, to feel better about myself, and things in general. I just still feel so guilty though. So so guilty all the time. I wonder every day if I get on her nerves all the time with the same exact questions I ask. I mean, she's told me that I don't, and she's just frustrated at Anna, but still...I can't help but think that.

And then I feel guilty for talking about my weight, calories, fat, exercise and such around Summer. I mean, she IS only 10, and I feel terrible for talking about things like this, so openly in front of her. Although at the same time, I'm glad I say what I say around her, because maybe after watching everything I have to go through with recovery, and how stressed and anxious I always am, she won't have an eating disorder, or ever long to be super thin like I did/still do. Which, I definitely don't think Summer will ever develop an eating disorder, and I also don't think she'll have any body issues, really. I mean, she will to some extent, because every woman does, but I don't think her's would be anywhere near as severe as mine. I mean, I've struggled with body image and weight and such ever since I was 9 years old, so.

But anyway, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in a constant lose lose situation.