Heavily resting on my heart; guilt

Nothing can describe the overwhelming guilt I always feel, the weight on my heart, the lump of sorrow in my throat I swallow back every day, the pain I try so hard to hide and ignore.

The guilt is by far the worst. My mum and Summer are having to be in the car, and wait for hours three times a week - because of me. My mum has to put off her life, and have virtually no fun, because of me. She's thrown with accusations of cancelling every potential fun plan because of me. My mum' life is not fun right now, and that is all due to me.

God, you know I think everyday if it's the day. The day to kill myself, and end all of the things my mum is being forced to do right now, because of me. But ironically, even killing myself would bombard her with a different kind of things she is forced to do. But that is only for a short while, where as my recovering from anorexia could take years. If I end it now though, my mum will soon be able to get on with her life - as will everybody else.

I hear my mum say life is all about me now, and there is an indescribable amount of guilt that rushes through my heart, my brain, every part of me feels the guilt. I don't want my mother's life to be all about me, and I don't want Summer's life to be about me either.

But what do I do? What do I do to make it not about me? I could cut myself, and break the contract at ACE, then I'd be forced out, and my mum's life would no longer revolve around me. Sure I'd have to live my life in a constant battle against Anna, but I could do it. I could manage, and I would survive. I could put on a happy face, like I always do, and say everything is okay. Because it would be, as long as I had it all under control. I think I could do that. I'm seriously contemplating leaving treatment. Because I can honestly say that the guilt comes extremely close to being worse than the disease.

I hate myself. Everything about me. I hate the fact I'm putting my family through this, I hate the fact I have this disease, I just generally loath myself and everything about me. I'm so ugly - inside and out. I'm a nasty person that doesn't deserve to be here. I don't deserve this treatment. I don't deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be ill, and suffering. Dying a slow death, is what I deserve. And I had that, when I was starving. Every second of every day I contemplate going back to starvation, so I will live in pain. That's the life I deserve.

My family doesn't deserve what they're being put through. But I deserve what I think I should be put through. And it isn't what I'm being put through right now - because I am recovering. I deserve to be suffering, that's just how it is. I think that's what I was put on this earth for - to live a few years of my life in happiness, then die a slow and deserving death.

I was born a worthless person, and always will be. So why not own up to it, and end it all now? That is the question I'm still working on answering. It will come to me. I just have to have a bit of patience. When the day comes to end my worthless existence, I will know. I always do.