Mend my heart back to a whole, and take away the pain so hidden underneath my dying soul...

Sorry for the lack of updates...it's just, anything I write right now will be kind of depressing. Well, depressing, and not worth reading in my opinion. But of course, that's just me.

But anyway, I guess I'll just give an update on my problems...

The weight thing is...well it's going all right I guess. I'm trying to eat more - well, no, not really trying, I'm giving in. It's hard work. Starving myself, and over working...and it's so fucking hard to be around all the wonderful food my mum cooks, and not eat it. It's the most difficult thing ever. It's why I do better with my "basically starvation" thing in the week. The kids aren't home, so it's not an eating fest. Which I like. And also I feel more motivated in the week. I'm not sure why, but I do.

And now I've developed a cold. I've got a sore throat, I'm exhausted, and I just generally don't feel all that well. I'm usually not fussed by colds, but this is different. I think my body is kind of freaking out. I danced today, and I've moved a round a lot - and by the time it was like 9pm, I was sitting on the sofa hoping I wasn't going to have to go to the emergency room or something. I was extremely exhausted(likely from all the moving about and really not eating as much as I should, I guess), and because of this cold, and also I react strangely to pain killers and such. I don't know why. But the effects are worse this time.

Even typing this out is taking a little too much effort. I really just think my body doesn't know what to do. I'm still not eating until I get full, which in my opinion is great, and I'm also still over working myself just a bit. But I thought my body was getting used to it, as I haven't been this exhausted since the first few days of my new "diet". But god...I'm really struggling right now. Breathing is even tough to do at the moment. It's not fun.

And as for the cutting...I haven't done that in a while, and was actually talked out of doing it last night by a very important friend of mine...he just cares for me so much, and, I can tell he really hates me doing this to myself - as well as the weight thing. He said every time he sees a photograph that shows my scars, he immediately gets sad. And he told me last night that he couldn't even explain how much it hurts him to see them. Which really woke me up...I was going to cut last night, but after all that, and then some more...there was just no way I was going to hurt him like that.

And my weight issues effect him too. He really wants me to put on a bit, and get healthy. And he also really really wants me to stop weighing myself every day. Which I want to too. But it's become kind of like...a compulsion. And I'm already OCD, so that's no good. And if I eat a little more than I think I should I immediately head for the scale. Which isn't good because I know my weight naturally fluctuates throughout the day after eating and such. And when I go to the scale I always end up feeling super depressed, and determined to starve the next day. Which has failed lately, what with all the food around.

I don't know...I'm just ready to stop stressing, and stop worrying about gaining, and stop thinking that I always need to be thinner. I'm at 104 now and usually pretty damn happy and confident with my new look...and then I see a photo or something, or a model...and it depresses me. I always think "God, how does she have such perfect boobs, and how is she so tiny?..." It's seriously depressing. Right when I think I'm happy with myself, I see a girl I think I should look like. It's horrid.

And I still want to be at 102. But that's not possible if I keep eating. Grrr, I just want to be normal, and not worry anymore. Seriously, that would be lovely.

But anyhow...that's been me, and my life lately. And it's completely depressing, and for that I am sorry to all the people that actually read this crap. I feel like I should be getting comments saying "Cheer up emo kid."