So teach me how to love myself, and see the beauty, and love the health...guide me on the path of life

I thought I might as well write about problem two now...

Okay, so we've established that I have a weight problem, and eating issues...or, not eating issues. But that's not the only problem I have.

I've been cutting for about 4 months or so now, and I don't know how to stop that. I will say that I've cut less lately, but that's still not stopping. Which I'm trying to do. My arms, and even legs are kind of covered in scars/marks from where I've cut. And they're very noticeable...which it then gets stressful trying to hide them from people that don't know I do it.

But anyway. So yeah, I'm a cutter. And yesterday or the day before my mum made an excellent point. We're going to the beach next month, and I'll be in a swim suit...I really don't want to draw attention to myself more than I already will. So either I stop cutting before then(which is highly unlikely), or I cut back once time gets closer(most likely). I don't mind the scars at all...but after fresh cuts, it looks bad. Well, it draws attention. I personally think my cuts look okay, but that's me. Obviously. To others...well they don't know what to think when seeing them, so.

But yes, I've got two fairly major problems that I need to take care of. The weight thing shall be first, since it can get really dangerous. My cutting isn't going to get any worse than it already is, and I know that for sure. So I need to focus on my...whatever this is, first.

And also...I'm now down to 105. So. Yes, I need to work on this weight thing first most definitely.

So help me, take this pain and unhappiness away, and save me from my death...

Okay, so I've been pondering posting about what's really happening with me...and I all I can say is, I'm going through some rough things right now.

I'm sorry for the lack of updates, I just haven't had anything good to share. It's all depressing stuff, and basically complaints.

Anyway, I might as well share a bit. I've always had issues with myself. Just me in general. I pretty much hate myself, if I'm being honest. I don't think I'm pretty, thin enough, a good person, intelligent...I mean, sometimes I think I'm intelligent, but that is rare. I really only believe I'm intelligent after I've written some nice poetry, or written more to my novels...point is though, I hate myself. Plain and simple. I'm never happy with me.

And now I'm really struggling. I'm having weight issues...not that major, but a big enough deal to make my friends and family worry about me. I mean, I've lost two pounds in two days...and not in a very healthy way either. I'm no longer 108, I'm now 106. I just weighed myself like an hour ago. And that's not a healthy weight for my height. A healthy weight is about 117. Or so the charts say.

I have a problem. No, I have more than one problem, but my main focus now is my weight. I'm really struggling with this. I'm trying to fight it, I really am, but in the end, I'm still afraid it might win. I don't know if I have what it takes to beat it. I've been told I do, but I still can't believe it yet.

Anyhow, my life hasn't been the best lately. I feel as if I got stuck in the bottom of a wishing well, and the only reason why I was there in the first place, was to wish for true happiness...but somehow something went completely wrong, and I fell. Fell deep down to the bottom, and now I'm stuck, struggling to make my way back up. Because if I don't, I'll drown.