Inside the mind of an eating disordered girl...

Anorexia. What does that mean?...I'll tell you what it means.

It means going through your freezer for over 20 minutes just looking for something "low calorie" enough, it means reading ever single food label brought in the house so that you know what your mum might possibly want to feed you, and how to reject it because of the calories, fat, etc. - it means popping in pieces of gum when all you want is just some more food, it means over-exercising and working yourself until you feel you're about to pass out - even if in the middle of all this over-working you're having heart palpitations. It doesn't matter, because, you're burning calories, right? You're burning fat, right? It doesn't matter if your chest is stinging and it feels as if you're about to have a heart attack. Because you're burning off "those c's" - you're losing more weight, not maintaining, and you're making Anna happy. Right? Right. But no...wrong. So wrong. I see that, I see that over-exercising and not eating when I want to is wrong, but it feels so right.

Why do I still look at myself in the mirror and see fat? Why do I still think if I looked like a model, everything would be perfect? Why do I go searching every morning for an episode of America's Next Top Model, just so I can watch all these tragically beautiful girls, and wish I was one of them. Why does that bring me joy to imagine being one of them? Why do I fantasise and pretend that they're living my "dream" for me? And why do I despise every one of them because they are allowed to be in their eating disorders - they are allowed to be tragically beautiful, like I once was. Was. That's such a horrid word to me regarding what it means. Why can't I be "is", instead of "was" - why can't I be like those girls, and feel beautiful again? Why do I have to be...healthy. And...fat.

Those are my E.D. thoughts. Those are the thoughts that run through my head pretty much every day. And you know what my description of anorexia, is? It's me. I do that. Every. Day. I worry about napping because it will mess up my moving around time, I worry about food CONSTANTLY, I worry about gaining weight(even though I am not maintaining yet), I worry about every single thing regarding my food, calories, fat, weight, weight gain...I'm obsessed.

I'm learning about food, and digestion, and calories and such in my biology, and it's fascinating...I love to read it. I love to read about the things anorexics crave to know. I wouldn't, however, have loved to read all that stuff a couple years ago, I would have found it boring as shit, and never retained any of it simply because of that. But I have a disease now, and it's taken over me.

There are so many "whys" in my vocabulary lately. I'm always questioning the things that I can't explain, that no one can explain. Like, why do I think those models are beautiful? Why do I want to look like them? And why the FUCK do I have anorexia?! Yup. Lots of "whys" going on in my head. And on paper, and on my blog. And...well, everywhere.

And another why...why do I always have such down beat posts? I mean, bloody hell, come on! What am I, if not the girl that cried "oh woe is me!". Ugh. I promise you guys, soon...ish, I'll start writing happier things. For now I'd just kind of like to vent though, and basically let you all see a little bit more into the mind of an eating disordered girl, because God is it hard. And no one without the disease can truly understand. So that's what I'm here for, to hopefully stop the anger directed at what feels like me, and to help more people understand without having to go through it.

But you guys totally know that despite all my moaning and whining, and un-healthy thoughts, I'm totally trying my hardest to kick Anna's ass, right? Because I totally am. Totally.