For every negative, there's a positive somewhere. You just have to open your eyes, and want to see it

Last night, I had time to reflect on my life. On the good parts, and horrid parts, and you know...I discovered something. Something that I think will really help me through this hard time.

The title of this post, is what I discovered while reflecting. I thought to myself: "For every negative, there's a positive somewhere. You just have to open your eyes, and want to see it." And so that is what I did last night. I looked at all the negatives in my life, and found positives. Also, I thought about the saying "All things happen for a reason". I firmly believe that...still. Even though there is so much shitty stuff that has happened in my life, I believe it has all happened for a reason.

The first - my dad dying. I have no idea why his life was taken so suddenly, when he still had the rest of his life to live, and look forward to. But, I still believe it happened for a reason, as terrible as it is. And I also searched, and searched, and found some positives that came out of this horrid, horrid negative. One positive being the new-found freedom me, and my mum and Summer have. Used to, we'd have to rush through everything fun we'd do together in the daytime, because my mum would have to be home to cook dinner for him and such. Life was always rushed when my dad was around, and that really got me frustrated, because it felt like I never got to really spend time with my mum, and tell her stuff. We were all always so rushed...and so the positive out of his death, is that we have a pretty damn leisurely life now. And now, we can literally just spontaneously do stuff, and not have to worry, or rush.

Although I think you all know that as much as I love the non-rushed life-style, I miss my dad a lot. And I would give it all up in a heart beat, if that meant him being here.

But anyway, that's one situation I thought through, and found at least one positive.

Another - my anorexia. I often wonder why in hell I developed such a horrid thing. I get angry, and frustrated, and say: "Why me? Why? Seriously?"...but then I think, like I did last night. And this negative - this life affecting negative...well, it has a positive. And a bloody good one. You see, before all this started, I didn't care. I didn't care about exercising much, and I didn't really care about what I ate. Granted, I never gained any weight, or looked fat, I still wasn't healthy though. I never really exercised. I danced a bit, and ran a bit, but not enough. But you know what? Now, I exercise every single day. One and a half to two hours a day - whether I'm tired, in pain, hungry, feeling sick...I'll do it. Sometimes I over work it, but that's okay. I look at my uber fit body now, and that's all I need to see to know that over-working it sometimes, is not so bad. And without this disease, and the need to exercise and burn calories, I would have never become fit, and look better than I did before! So there's the positive. And it's an excellent one, because I'm generally very happy with the way I look...when Anna isn't being a bitch, or course.

So that's what I did last night though...I reflected, and found positives. And also found a good way to deal with the numbers on the scale. Everything I've gained since eating, has ALL been muscle - no fat. So I shouldn't be freaked out by the numbers on the scale anyway, right? If I know it isn't fat. Well, Anna doesn't agree. BUT. I have to remember my new coping device. I have to think of it as gaining muscle, rather than gaining weight. Because it is gaining muscle. Every time there is a higher number on the scale, it's because I've built more muscle. I just have to remember that, and I'll be okay.

But anyway, so yes, that is what I did. I reflected, found lots of positives, and have the beginnings of a new, healthier outlook on life. I'm on my way to getting better, and I won't stop until I've gotten completely well.

I won't give up, and I won't give in. So suck it, Anna. Go fuck yourself honey.