The path of darkness stops, and comes to a dead end. Should I turn back, or just end it now with a step off this beautiful cliff?...

Do you ever get those times where you wonder if your life is even worth living? Yeah, well I get those times everyday. And it's all because of goddamn Anna.

I've gotten to the point where I am so fed up, that I wonder if life is even worth it anymore. I can't tell her to "Fuck off" or "Go away", because it doesn't work. She doesn't fuck off, or go away. She gets angry, and sometimes it scares me, but then other times I just kind of try and make her think I'm going to do things her way, and she calms down.

People think I'm better - they think I'm healthy, and that I look good. But that's only what they see. I'm not in any way shape or form better, yet. I still constantly worry about gaining weight, and calories, and burning them all off. And I miss it sometimes...the feel of my prominent hip bones, and rib cage, and spine. How thin my arms and legs were. And I can't even believe the change in my body, with only one pound in weight gain. And it's muscle, not fat. But I look so different. And most times...I like it, but only my abs. I'm so proud of them. But the rest of my body, I hate. I think my face is fat and my arms are fat, and my legs...these thoughts go through my mind CONSTANTLY. All day. Everyday. Calories, burning calories, how fat I look, wishing I could go back to starving. It's not over, and I can't believe I was so stupid to think it might automatically disappear as soon as I started eating again.

Every night before bed I start planning my meals, and counting calories already. And there have even been a few nights where I've tried to tell myself that starving is okay, and I can go back to it, because I can pull it off, and I've proven to myself that I am not dependent on food. I've said these things out loud over and over again before bed. Not many times, just a few. Now, of course it didn't work, but I had to try it. Because I missed it. I miss it. Still.

And what scares me, is the fact that I don't even know if an E.D. doctor/therapist can help me. I'm obviously going to try the idea, but I just don't know. At this moment, I just don't know about life though. I try to ignore it all, and say I'm so happy. But deep down, when I think about it...I'm still not happy. Because I don't want to live my life this way. And currently, I don't want to live life in general.

The only sense of comfort I feel is when I lie down, and touch my ribs and hip bones. Because they feel like they did when I was starving. I don't want it to be like that. I don't want that to be my comfort. I'm ready to be better now.