These fragile bones aren't ment for over working...when will my heart stop beating?...

You know what I'm tired of? Dreading the days to come. Each night I go to bed dreading the next day. And I wake up thinking to myself: "Another intense day...".

The thoughts, they never stop. I'm still constantly worried about calories, and always counting calories. For breakfast, I never left myself go above 80 calories. And if there is no food in the house 80 calories or below, then I simply won't eat, OR I'll eat a couple strawberries. I'm always stressed out. I never relax, and simply don't know how. I'm struggling just sitting here trying to write this post. I always feel like I should be up doing something.

Okay, actually, let me just describe each and every day of my life, lately. So maybe you all can get a better idea of what I'm really talking about.

I wake up in the morning, and the thought following "Another intense day...", is always: "As soon as my feet hit the ground, it begins. The intensity, the pain. My day starts.". I go to bed every night around midnight-1am, and wake up at 7am or earlier every morning. It takes all my power just trying to stay in bed longer, because I know that once I'm out of bed, everything becomes intense. But the problem is, I can't stay in bed longer. I feel compelled to get up and start my day. So I do.

First I have breakfast - my 80 calorie, or less breakfast. Or no breakfast at all. Then I take pain pills. Every. Morning. Because if I don't, I won't have the strength for my intense days. For all the exercise and moving I do. I simply wouldn't be able to function, because my body hurts so incredibly much every day. The pills don't take away the pain, they just numb it for a bit. But anyway, after breakfast and pills, I sit down for 30 minutes to an hour, just so my food can settle. If I sit down any longer than an hour, I freak out. Really, if I sit an hour, I freak out. This is how it is all day though, I count my hours resting, and my hours up doing things. And usually, my hours up doing things always out numbers the hours of rest. Which is how I want it.

Okay, my food is now settled, so I get up and get dressed and such. After all that, I rub pain numbing cream all over my body, basically. Then I do an intense cardio DVD for 30 minutes, and after that, I do intense dancing for about 25-30 more minutes. When all that's through, and I feel like collapsing, I don't rest. I walk around, clean, pace, until lunch time. I'm starving. Literally so hungry. An hour after breakfast every morning, my stomach is roaring so loud, you'd think it was a T-rex coming to devour a highly populated city.

Lunch time arrives. And do I relax and eat as many calories as I want? No. Not even close. The most calories I will allow myself to have, is 700. And even that number of calories terrifies me if I really think about it. Okay, so lunch time is now over, so I clean the kitchen. I wash dishes, load the dishwasher, sweep, mop - things like that, every day after lunch. When all that's over, I HAVE to rest. Just so my food can settle, and I can intensely exercise again. So I let myself draw, or write or something for about an hour...then the intensity begins again.

I head up to my bedroom, apply MORE pain reliever cream, then do the intense cardio DVD again for 30 minutes. After I'm done with that, I then to ab exercises for 8 minutes. And when that's through, I might dance again for a bit more. So by the time I'm done with all this, my body is screaming. My knees and every other joint are popping, like they do all the time, it takes a ridiculous amount of effort just to try and stay upright...and you know what? I STILL won't rest. Because I can't. If I do, I'm lazy. So I walk around, looking for SOMETHING to do. Anything. I pace, and run around just trying to burn off extra calories. I brainstorm, just searching my mind for something that I could do. If I come up short, then I sit down for a bit. But literally, only for a bit. Not longer than 30 mins, and most times, shorter than 30.

So I wander, and pace, and run around, and look for things to do for a few hours until it's dinner time. Once it's dinner time, I relax a bit more. I'm not feeling as tense as I do throughout the day. I'm easing up, just a wee bit...

I allow myself to reach the total of about 1,800 calories each day. So at dinner I can eat up to 1,100 calories. Which seems like a whole lot to eat in one sitting, but when you have a metabolism as fast as mine, and your body literally takes every calorie to just try and support the intensity of each day, then you wouldn't think it was that much. My body really needs somewhere between 2,500 and 2,900 calories each day. Which...holy fuck. I struggle sometimes trying to make it above 1,200. Because I think what happens is, I get afraid of eating too many calories, so then I don't feel as hungry, I just tense up, and my stomach hurts, and so I don't eat as much as I should. Which I'm trying to work on.

But yes...that is how my day is, every day. And after dinner I try and relax for a few hours. And sometimes I can, but most times I just can't. I have to do something for just a bit longer before I can rest. And when I get ready to get in bed at night, I never feel like I deserve it. I don't feel like I deserve to rest that long, because I STILL feel lazy. Even though most days I'm up and doing things WAY longer than I am resting.

But this is what Anna does to me. She fills my mind with thoughts of calories, burning calories, exercising, guilt if I rest for "too long", and other things. It's exhausting. Emotionally, and most definitely physically. My body is falling apart. I wonder every day if it will be the day my heart stops. That's how bad it is. That's how hard I am on myself, and my body. And the worst part is, is it's getting worse...

After every meal I contemplate purging. I pace, and think, and wonder if it really would be worth the nastiness. I wonder if it would really help me to lose weight. I could just eat normally, then throw up, exercise, and be okay. I'd likely lose weight in no time...right? That's what my mind says. That's what Anna says. And I'm struggling trying to not listen to it all. Because if I can't go back to starving, eating normally then purging seems like the next best thing to that.

I don't know, I'm just ready to not think like this. I'm ready to want to rest, and be okay with giving my body a break. I'm tired of worrying about calories, and fat content, and exercising like a maniac. I'm ready to be normal. If there is such a thing as that...

I just want to get rid of Anna now. For good.